The British Military Open Encyclopedia - ARRSE-Pedia. Back to British Army Rumour Service Home

Zimbabwe

From ARRSEpedia
Jump to: navigation, search
Zimbabwe
Mugabe_fist.jpg
Power mad mong or great leader?

Formerly Rhodesia, Zimbabwe exists in a parallel universe to our own, where Hitler is black. And his name is Robert Mugabe, not Hitler.

Unlike dear Adolf, Uncle Bob has done nothing but run his country into the ground for the past twenty-seven years. Mugabe frequently gives speeches about how he does not like Tony Blair, W or anyone white. Mugabe is a great troll and has provided ruination on his country to the point where it will be trolled to death. Some argue that Mugabe is such a huge troll because of syphilis in the brain.

Once known as 'the bread basket of Africa' due to the amount of grain produced by its country's farms, since the Dictator Mugabe took over the country Zimbabwe has been forced into famine. This is because all the white farmers and their farm workers have been forcibly evicted and the land given over to subsistence farmers who can't produce enough for themselves - let alone anything for the rest of the country or for export.

He is also certainly going to remain in power for life as his system of terror and suppression of all political opponents is sure to maintain his power base. Unless checked, Zim will be worse than Ethiopia. Amusingly, all the white folks legged it en masse to Mozambique (of all places) which has just experienced its third successive 100% increase in GDP. I Wonder why?

Zimbabtrans.jpg
Road travel in a Zimbab styleee!
  • Inflation is running over 231 million percent (as of july 2008)... although the real rate of inflation may be in the trillions - these numbers are rapidly losing meaning. No-one has ever seen anything like this in a country not shoed by total war
  • Prices in Zimbabwe are doubling roughly every 20 minutes.
  • Civil servants demanded a 400% pay rise - this lasted just a couple of days before they were back where they started.
  • A $100 trillion note is enough to buy 6 loaves of bread as of Jan 2009!
  • Money is carried around in wheelbarrows.
  • There is no money to pay the army any more ... although how that differs from the UK under Flash Gordon Brown is a minor point.

A British journalist who arrived in Zimbabwe on election day (Mar 2008) found the exchange rate was 20 million Zimbabwean dollars for each U.S. dollar. Four days later, it was 40 million. A loaf of bread in Zimbabwe cost 7 million Zimbabwean dollars in march 2008 but by Jan 2009 that same loaf cost $25 trillion.

Eish.jpg
Chogs away!

Things have become so bad legally (with intimidation) that most of the judges have fled the country and Mugabe has replaced them with his cronies. Rule of law, for all intents and purposes, no longer exists in this country.

The army and the police are now deserting in droves to security jobs in South Africa. As a result, veterans from the war in the '70s (the one verses the Whites) have been recalled and given a whopping big pay rise to ensure their loyalty. The massive pay rise will, of course, compound the inflation rises, but hey, when you're drowning... who cares if someone pores a cup of water on your head?

£610,000 of REAL money was spent on Mugabe's 83rd birthday party... yes that is while his people are starving. In the past money to finance the President's birthday parties and other Zanu-PF Party events have been forcibly deducted from the salaries of civil servants, but with the economy shagged and the proles looking rebellious, the money has had to come from central government funds.

A request for donations from the public resulted in a return described as having 'not been that significant' so a tithe of 2 cows each was sicced on the black farmers who were given the white's confiscated farms. One bank worker said: 'I would rather flush my money in a toilet than make any contributions to fund this nonsense.'

Zimbabwe_shopping.jpg
Life is cheap under Robert Mugabe. In fact, you may purchase 4 sound workers like these for as a little as 50 of your English pence!

Meanwhile, the rest of the world looks on and does nothing because of the bad press that removing Saddam Hussein brought them and for some reason South Africa won't let anyone do anything within the Commonwealth. This is probably something to do with them all being black 'brothers', and we can't have 'whitey' interfering now that the colonial days are over. Had the country vast deposits of oil, things might be very different.

Ironically, in the good ol' days, Mugabe was the darling of the Left Wing - a Marxist freedom fighter against the evil white Ian Smith regime. Though the Tories copped the flack for the whole debacle of Lancaster House, the blame lies firmly in the hands of previous Labour governments and their Post-Imperial Guilt. Interestingly, the Tories have blood on their hands too after they flogged Mugabe Hawk aircraft - knowing full well his record of genocide against the Matabele in the early '80s. So impressed with his track record were they, that John Major's government awarded the cnut the KCB in 1994. Quality.

Worthy Facts

  • 37 Life expectancy at birth in Zimbabwe
  • 60 Average life expectancy in 1990
  • 81 The infant mortality rate (deaths per 1,000 live births), compared with 53 in 1990
  • $340 The national income, per person, compared with $4,960 in South Africa
  • 5.5m Zimbabweans live with HIV
  • 1.1 m Children have been orphaned by Aids
  • 6 People out of every 100 have a phone, compared with 47 in South Africa
  • 56% Of the population earn less than $1 a day, compared with 11% of South Africans

Source: UNICEF

Fun Facts

  • If you are white and are in Zimbabwe, you will be raped by War Veterans [1].
  • If you are black and in Zimbabwe, you will be raped by the government [2].
  • Zimbabweans used electricity before they discovered that a candle is fine too.
  • Zimbabwe is one of the few non-Arabic countries that would actually be improved by nuclear bombing

Links