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Wind-Proof non-flammable matches

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Cleverly designed with large varnished heads so that they will light when wet or in high winds, these matches, when used for the purposes of cigarette lighting, provide a massive dose of highly toxic chemicals to the unfortunate smoker.

It is rare to find a more optimistic name than "wind-proof matches". However it is at least 1/3 accurate in that the match is proofed. It is wind proof, water proof and to a large extent flame proof. If the tom with the match is feeling energetic then they can try and light it with the smoothest, most absorbant supplied friction pad in NATO. More often than not though the only way to light one is with a lighter or another piece of non issue kit.