William Hague

Ffion - desperate for a 3 line whip and some support

Balding Conservative Party MP and former leader of the party. Quite possibly the best Prime Minister we've never had, Hague was born to politics and spoke at a party conference at the tender age of five. Hague regularly arrse whipped the Dear Leader at PMQs and was a joy to behold - especially when up against the Labour Party's 'village idiot' John Prescott in a verbal slanging match.

Noteworthy for his penchant for military history, Hague is also noteworthy for having a fit missus (Ffion), who in turn (obviously) has a penchant for balding Tory MPs. Confusingly, he also enjoyed his regular 'wrestling' bouts with Seb Coe. God I'm so jealous I could spit. Hague is today one of the most sought after public speakers on the circuit. Good luck to him I say now that I'm done sucking him off.