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1: Stella Artois, Aunty Stella, Punch potion.

2: Belgian for Heineken

I'll have a pint of 'what the fuck are you looking at?' aka 'Uri Geller' aka 'liquid knobhead'.

Stop Press.

Sainsbury's Diät Pils Belgian Lager

Stella has now been overtaken by Sainsbury's Diät Pils, at £3.69 for four and 6.2% by volume, guaranteed to raise the domestic hackles of the most mild-mannered family man.

Tesco's Strong Lager

According to my last Drugs and alcohol lecture, the new one to look out for is Tesco's Strong Lager: cheap as shit, and an eye-watering 8.5% ABV. It is its own brand, so you get that nice blue stripe mark of sophistication, and it takes you out like a pick axe handle to the base of the skull.

It has good Stormy-ness qualities as well: four cans of this, and even Gandhi would have been flogging the wife with a length of electrical flex, fucking the cat, and piling up and burning all the kid's Christmas presents in the back garden.

As a final seal of quality, wherever fragrant gentlemen with unkempt beards are to be found fighting with lamp posts, you can be sure Tesco's Strong Lager is close at hand.

Hurlimann's Sternbrau

Also, as residents of the Garden of England will be aware, to rival Stella, is a fragrant brew from Switzerland called Hurlimanns, known locally as Hooligan. After three pints you're indestructible and after five, you will want to kill your family. This must surely be for export and not drunk by the Swiss as they haven't had a war in 500 years. Although it does explain the Papal Swiss Guards lurid parade dress sense.

Also see Wee Beasty Liver Burster Red Infuriator White Lightning

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