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White Box of Death

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An innocent-looking white cardboard box, looking rather like the sort of thing you might get cream cakes in from a craft baker. Instead, they contain the usual items of an Army packed lunch (sic):

  • 1 x cheap drink. Panda Cola is a favourite, but only in the sense it's oft used. 47p is allocated as an allowance for this item. Where the other 42p is spent is one of the mysteries of military accounting.
  • 1 x Pastie. Once upon a time these were Ginsters, but now tend to be cheap copies. Unlikely to have ever been within 200 miles of Cornwall.
  • 1 x sandwich. Normal filling is mystery fish, occasionally cheese or value-processed-ham-substitute
  • 1 x Kit Kat/Blue Riband. Used solely to fool the unsuspecting recipient in to thinking the other items are edible.
  • 1 x bag crisps. Almost always Salt & Vinegar or Cheese & Onion. Always an unknown brand.

Localised variants exist. In the North, the Pastie is replaced by a sausage roll with pastry so flaky there is as yet no way found to eat it without covering yourself in lethal shards of pate brisee.

'Meat' pasties and sausage rolls are required to contain no more than 10% meat. Only meat recovered from ears, trottors, hooves and sphincters is used. To enhance the gastronomic experience, the rolls/pasties are served frozen. Bizarrely the time since removal from the cookhouse seems to have no effect on this.

See also Sandhurst Packed Lunch and Horror Bags.