The ARRSEPedia is the British Army encyclopedia that anyone can edit.

Walt Was Never There

From ARRSEpedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search

Walt was never there

Medals glinting in the sunlight, Striding smart across the square, Ramrod straight with chest stuck out proud, But Walt was never there.

Walt was never there you see, He was never very willing, Quite happy to steal the glory though, From those who’d took the shilling.

Walt was an enigma, He’d walked the walk with ‘THEM’, He’d stormed the Jebel Akhdar, He’d appeared on ITN.

He cut a dash in blazer, His corps’ tie worn with flare, Beret cocked at rakish angle, But Walt was never there.

His acquaintances were legion, He was a regimental hit, He knew the colour of the Boathouse, He’d been out to the ‘Pit’.

He was the airborne look personified, All tour ‘tache and cropped hair, And non-regulation sideys, But Walt was never there.

Tall tales down at the local, Bombs falling from the sky, From Ajax Bay to Stanley, But all a stupid lie.

He’d got all the kit and patter, He even had the stare, G10 watch and North Face jacket, But the Walt was never there.

The office girls all loved him, He was treated like a Lord, If only they’d known better, ‘Cause Walter was a fraud.

His act polished to the nth degree, All ‘Gucci’, ‘Nails’ and ‘Mucker’, They all sucked in his bullshit, He took them all for suckers.

He told of mates and comrades, Who never made it back, Of ‘Dusty’, ‘Tug’ and ‘Dinger’, At a switch his mood turned black.

Obfuscation and mendacity, Were tools of Walter’s trade, He dug himself even deeper, ‘Twas the bed that he had made.

He’d read McNab and Ryan, Seen all the films and more, He told of slotting Jundies, He really knew the score.

He’d been first man on the balcony, His audience gasped in awe, Walt did not know when to stop, So he gave the poor fools more.

From Dhofar to the Falklands, Bullets whizzing through the air, He’d fought Adoo and Argie, But Walt was never there.

He even had a website, He claimed he’d been with ‘THEM’, Looking ally with his airsoft mates, All clad in DPM.

The trench Walt dug got deeper, He knew not when to desist, An opportunity to impress the girls, Was one not to be missed.

He was ‘handy with a Gimpy’, He was the Troop’s main man, With ‘Taffy’, ‘Smudge’ and ‘Fiji’ Bob, With Mobility in the ‘Stan.

He’d been in the local paper, A hero to the bone, But he still lived with his mother, No girlfriend and alone.

Walt had been and done it all, Tall tales of daring do, They really all believed him, They didn’t have a clue.

But Walt became too blasé, He didn’t have a care, He believed his own sad fantasy, But Walt was never there.

There were those that were suspicious, Those who doubted what he’d claimed, His name appeared on the Internet, And Walt’s life became more pained.

The piper piped at sunset, The bugle played Last Post, Those present all shed their tears, But Walter hurt the most.

He’d spent his life a dreamer, Of parachuting through the air, But he’d never been in action, ‘Cause Walt was never there.

The real victim was Walter, Who lived a pathetic lie, His actions were an insult, To those who’d served and died.

He’d taken so much trouble, He thought he’d got it right, Medals mounted in right order, But somehow outed at first sight.

Technology spelled the end of Walt, He was shown up as a farce, He’d been found out on the Worldwide Web, And was torn to shreds on ARRSE.

It was all too much for Walter, He was exposed as a joke, So he decided to take his own life, And was found hanging from a rope.

Originally penned by Buck Felize, June 2007