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The Matthews Family

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Her Royal Pikeyness

Current Royal Family of the Pikeys are the extended Matthews family (estimated at about 100,000 members) who live on the sink estate of Dewsbury Moor. Makes the Hewitt family look positively charming.

The Sad Tale

The Matthews' claim to the crown started with the alleged kidnapping of 9yr old Shannon Matthews. After a three-week search by West Yorkshire Police, the child was found hiding in a divan drawer in the house of Michael Donovan - the uncle of her mother's live-in cock! Things started to look iffy when Shannon was not immediately returned to her family.

All gone a bit Pete Tong

After a week or so Craig Meehan, the total mong of a boyfriend of Karen Matthews (the ugliest and oldest-looking 32yr old mother on the planet) and mother to Shannon, had been arrested for kiddy porn on his pc.

Within days Meehan's sister (Amanda Hyett) was arrested on suspicion of assisting an offender and his mother Alice Meehan was arrested on suspicion of perverting the course of justice. [Still with me?]

Shannon's mother Karen (mother of seven from five different fathers) - after breaking down in the back of a police car and confessing to knowledge of Shannon's whereabouts during the 'kidnapping' - was arrested for perverting the course of justice AND child neglect. She was locked up and not granted bail for her own safety after the mob started baying for her blood.

Then Amanda Hyett and Alice Meehan were re-arrested after having been bailed but to keep things fresh, Caroline Meehan (sister to Amanda and Karen's paedophile boyfriend Craig) was also arrested on suspicion of perverting the course of justice.

In a total shocker that none of us expected it seems that Amanda and Neil Hyett, the next-door neighbours of Shannon Matthews' mother Karen (as well as sister and brother in law to Craig Meehan), were arrested by West Yorkshire Police working with the Department of Work and Pensions on suspicion of benefit fraud. can these people get any pikier?

Running in parallel with the arrests were requests for money from the Madeleine McCann fund. One request to the fund was made by a man claiming to be a freelance journalist who was seeking money to help in the search for Shannon. There was a one-line email asking for money and finally someone claiming to be close to Shannon's mother turned up at the McCanns' door demanding money.

Michael Donovan [Remember him... the 'kidnapper'?] - also known as Paul Drake just to confuse things - had to be treated in hospital after committing what was described as 'serious self-harm' when he tried to slash his wrists in the nick.

The police have had to circulate flyers around the Dewsbury Moor scheme asking there be no vigilantism on the remaining un-arrested Matthews, now the non-Matthews pikeys realise they have been had. To complicate things yet further, residents of Dewsbury Moor have complained they have received threats that they are '... all going to get it once the police have gone'. [Seems hell hath no fury like a pikey led up the garden path.]

The final charge came months after the the above when Craig Meehan was charged with having a young (15yr old) girl's semi-nude piccie on his mobi phone. I guess they missed this one in all the excitement.

Debt to Society falling due

Karen Matthews will go on trial alongside Michael Donovan in a judicial 2fer now its believed they where in 'cahoots'. He is charged with Shannon's kidnapping and false imprisonment. She faces charges of child neglect and perverting the course of justice for "repeatedly concealing information" in relation to Shannon's whereabouts.

Dewsbury magistrates have cleared their calender for the next twelve months and it is expected that HMP Leeds will be opening the Matthews Wing before the end of the year - but not until the Matthews have wasted billions of taxpayer's cash on Legal Aid which they'll undoubtedly qualify for.

Early Results

Paedo Mong

On the 16th September 2008, Craig Meehan the fish-mong-er, live in cock of Shannon's mother was found guilty of child pornography charges and sentenced to 20 weeks in jail. Having spent having already spent 166 days, or 23 weeks, in jail on remand mostly for his own protection from the baying mob ... he was released. The judge noted it was clear that Meehan had lied repeatedly since his arrest. After his release he dropped from sight ... no doubt in fear of the mob and its ideas about community justice.

A lying pikey? Shurely shome mishtake!

The Main Event

The main trial got under way in early November 2008 with the prosecution (Hurrah) alleging that Shannon was kidnapped, by Karen Matthews and Michael Donovan, with the intention of holding her till the reward money reached an impressive level (£50k from the The Sun) then having Donovan 'find' her. This money would then be split. Shannon was kept drugged up (on Temazepam and Traveleeze travel sickness tablets) and tethered in Donovan's house when he went out.

Karen Matthews however denied that it was a kidnap for money. When confronted with Donovan's seeming guilt, she started babbling about how it was simply a botched attempt to leave the live in fish-mong-er Meehan. Donovan on the other hand when arrested babbled about how it was a scheme to get the reward money. In court under oath (like it matters to these scruff), he said he was threatened by Matthews who would have him beaten (perhaps knifed) if he didn't play his part in the 'kidnap' of which he wanted no part or share.

The next bizarre plot twist was that Matthews changed story and blamed the whole plot for the 50 grand reward money on Craig Meehan and Amanda Hyett. In addition to being a criminal mastermind (more Pinky than The Brain), Meehan had allegedly abused her repeatedly for 4 years but she had never left him or reported the abuse due to 'fear' (I assume that's the same 'fear' suffered by Donovan above). The prosecution listed (in total) 5 separate stories that Matthews had told police including blaming her own parents.

The jury retired to consider its verdict. After deliberating all the defences arguments, the jury felt that Matthews and Donovan were lying pikeys and convicted them of false imprisonment, kidnap and perverting the course of justice. Allegedly they also asked that the defending lawyers for Donovan and Matthews be charged for wasting the courts time with such a pathetic tissue of lies as a defence.

And the results please

On the 23rd of January 2009 Karen Matthews, 33 (going on 70), and her co-accused Michael Donovan, 40 (mental age 10), were both jailed for eight years by the judge at Leeds Crown Court. They will likely serve just 3 years after time on remand is taken into consideration and 4 years on licence.

In his summing up, the judge said it was doubtful Matthews and Donovan could have planned and carried out the kidnap without other people. He said: "Having regard to their low intellect... it must be doubtful whether they could have conceived or continued these offences without the assistance or connivance of others." And so it is that enquiries continue as the masterminds (and I use that term in its loosest possible sense) of this dastardly plot are hunted down.


There have been some bizarre twists to this tale as we finally get the whole story.

  • After Matthews accused Craig Meehan of abusing and raping her in court, he has asked her to marry him as she is the only woman he will ever love. (WTF?)
  • At the age of (a very old and haggard looking) 33 years old, Karen Matthews finally has a job... as a cleaner in prison.
  • There are seven Matthews children although Karen sometimes thinks she only has six. [Wonder how many she's actually getting benefit for?] They have a total of FIVE fathers... but Meehan isn't a father to any - no matter what he thinks! We know this thanks to the wonder of DNA testing, which means at least SIX blokes have shagged... that... thing!
  • Testing has proved that Shannon had been drugged for up to 20+ months, it's thought, to keep her quiet while her mother and mongfriend played computer games.
  • Social Services were aware of Shannon's plight. Well... at least some of it yet did nothing. No fucking surprises there then?
  • Even though the poor kid is well out of there, she continues to have a form of post traumatic stress disorder ... well who wouldnt having that munter for a mother!

Witch Hunt

After an inquiry to apportion the blame ... sorry ... meant to say, ensure that lessons were learned, it was deemed that in no way were the police, social services or anyone else important to blame for the obvious oversights. The report concluded on the significant point that it was inconceivable that Karen Matthews would breed!