The Leprechaun of Death
The Emerald Isle has produced many terrifying figures over the years - Charlie Haughey, Frank Carson and Ronan Keating spring to mind - but none is more pant-wettingly frightening than the notorious 'Leprechaun of Death'. Here are a few facts about him:
- Guns don't kill people, the Leprechaun kills people.
- The Leprechaun can believe it's not butter.
- There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals that the Leprechaun allows to live.
- The Leprechaun does not sleep. He waits.
- The main export of the Leprechaun is pain.
- The Leprechaun has two speeds. Walk and kill.
- The leading causes of death in Northern Ireland are 1) Heart disease, 2) The Leprechaun and 3) Cancer.
- The Leprechaun doesn't go hunting. He goes killing.
- When the bogeyman goes to sleep at night, he checks under the bed for the Leprechaun.
- Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet as the Leprechaun.
- The Leprechaun counted to infinity....twice.
- When the Leprechaun does a push up, he's not lifting his body weight. He's pushing the earth down.
- The Leprechaun is so fast that he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
- The Leprechaun's hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
- The Leprechaun made the Mona Lisa smile.
- The Leprechaun can slam a revolving door.
- The Leprechaun can lead a horse to water and make it drink.
- Remember the Soviet Union? They decide to quit when they saw the Leprechaun on TV.
- The Leprechaun doesn't wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
- A rolling stone gathers no moss, unless it's been told to by the Leprechaun.
- The Leprechaun doesn't believe in Germany.
- The Leprechaun can touch MC Hammer.
- The Leprechaun once played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded revolver...and won.
- Whilst urinating The Leprechaun is easily capable of welding titanium.
- The Leprechaun ordered a Big Mac at BurgerKing...and got one.
- The Bermuda Triangle used to be called the Bermuda Square until The Leprechaun kicked one of the corners off
- Newton's third law is wrong. Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a The Leprechaun roundhouse kick.
- The Leprechaun can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.
- The grass is always greener on the other side, unless The Leprechaun has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
- The Leprechaun invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
- The Leprechaun will decide the Second Coming and will judge the living and the dead, not Jesus Christ.
- Contrary to popular belief....there is enough of The Leprechaun to go round.
- On his birthday, The Leprechaun randomly selects one lucky child to throw into the Sun.
- The Leprechaun has 12 moons. One of those moons is The Earth.
- The Leprechaun and Mr T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.
- The Leprechaun was the reason Saddam Hussain went on the run.
- The Leprechaun does not dodge bullets. Bullets dodge The Leprechaun.
- When The Leprechaun says you don't hand out sweets to local kids...you don't hand out sweets to local kids
- The Leprechaun didn't join the British Army, The British Army joined him
- The Leprechaun uses ribbed condoms inside out, so that he gets the pleasure.
- The Leprechaun once 'roundhouse' kicked a bloke that hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time and killed Amelia Erhardt while she was flying over the Pacific.
- The Leprechaun lost his virginity before his Dad did.
- The Leprechaun sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the deal was finalized, The Leprechaun roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The Devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
- The Leprechaun built a time machine and went back in time to stop JFK being assassinated. As Oswald fired, The Leprechaun met all three bullets with his 'RayBans', deflecting each one of them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
- The Leprechaun is not hung like a horse.....horses are hung like The Leprechaun.
- The Leprechaun was the fourth wise man. He brought the baby Jesus a pair of RayBanz. Jesus wore them proudly until the day that he died. The other three wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favouritism, used their combined influence to have The Leprechaun omitted from the Bible. Shortly after, all three died from 'roundhouse kick' related deaths.
- It was once believed that The Leprechaun actually lost a fight to a Pirate. This is a lie created by The Leprechaun himself, to lure more Pirates. Pirates aren't very smart.
- The Leprechaun recently decided to sell his urine in cans. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
- Questions: If paper beats rock and rock beat scissors and scissors beats paper, what beats all three? Answer: The Leprechaun of Death.
- If you can see The Leprechaun, he can see you. If you can't see The Leprechaun, you may only be seconds away from death.
- On the Seventh Day God rested. The Leprechaun of Death took over.
- The Leprechaun of Death has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
- The Leprechaun of Death does not use spell check. If he happens to mispell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling.
- When The Leprechaun of Death was denied a Sausage and Egg McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.
- They say that lightning never strikes the same place twice. Neither does The Leprechaun of Death. He doesn't have to.
- If The Leprechaun of Death looks you in the eye, you will explode.
- If the Leprechaun told Blondebint to stay away from Arrse, she'd stay away from Arrse... FINALLY!
- The Baron of Castleshort is not the Leprechaun of Death... or is he?
Answering Questions about The Leprechaun of Death
Question: When I have a wank does the Leprechaun of Death see it? As a child my parish priest told me that every time we crack one off, an angel falls from heaven. Is it the Leprechaun of Death who slots the angel?
Answer: The Leprechaun of Death finds self-abuse abhorrent. Next time, just as you reach the vinegar stroke, open one eye and look up to the clouds (providing that you're either outdoors or wanking by the upstairs bay window, overlooking the girls' school opposite) and you'll see him garroting some gay-looking fella, dressed in a toga, with the strings from a harp. He very often leaves their corpses in your back garden as a warning.
In other words, save an angel... Stop wanking!
Even more alarming are the Leprechaun's personal anti-wanking patrols. He spends several hours per day armed with a silenced sniper rifle shooting masturbators as they reach the vinegars. Remember what they say: 'If the Leprechaun sees you coming, you're going'.
Question: What did Madeleine McCann do to upset the Leprechaun of Death?
Answer: Giving sweets to local kids.
Question: If the Leprechaun of Death's roundhouse kick missed ... would his Ray-Bans fall off?
Answer: The Leprechaun's roundhouse kicks never miss and a Rolls Royce never breaks down (according to Rolls Royce, anyway).