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The Daily Telegraph

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The Daily Telegraph - The sole remaining quality British broadsheet newspaper, currently owned by the Barclay brothers.

Current circulation of 901,238 million copies, which outstrips all of the other quality newspapers. The Grauniad can only sell 382,393 copies to its pinko lefty (possibly Homosexual) readership.

It is speculated that over 60% of telegraph readers vote for the Conservative Party, with the remainder leaning further to the right.

The Torygraph provides discerning readers with an in depth analysis of the continued failings of the Neu Arbeit regime, the machinations of the evil denizens of the European Commission.

Matt, the cartoonist, provides a wickedly satirical view of the politically correct stupidity that poses as modern day life in this once sceptred isle.

Unsurprisingly, the Telegraph's sister Sunday paper is the Sunday Telegraph.

Often heard rustling in the Officers' Mess and accompanied by a loud 'harrumph'.