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Television License

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Quite how this perfidious tax on laziness has been permitted to survive as long as it has is a mystery. Once, in the days before the BBC became little more than a Neu Arbeit mouthpiece, the license fee could be justified, as - compared to the (then) one channel opposition (ITV) - 'Auntie Beeb' could be relied upon to produce some quality, wholesome programmes - like Blue Peter. Unfortunately, they've done precious little since apart from endlessly repeating stuff made when beige flares were all the rage, and churn out endless ballroom dancing competitions and cooking programmes.

The penny started to drop in the early 1980s when the opposition itself got some competition in the form of Channel 4. Progress has continued apace, what with cable and satellite channels and it has become even more difficult for them to justify the £48 billion they receive each year from the stupid cnuts who pay up for what is little more than a tax in all but name.

Explaining the TV license to Johnny Foreigner can be quite a laborious process, as whilst the license is for any television set - even ones that cannot receive the BBC's channels - the funding only applies to the BBC. So one is paying for a service one cannot benefit from. Nice little earner, eh? Especially as non-payment is a 'criminal offence' and is backed by the full weight of the law.


TV Licensing officials about to have some cnut's doors in for not paying up quick enough yesterday.

Rest assured, child murdering carries less stigma (and sentence) than refusal to cough up £135 for this annual government-sanctioned extortion.

Meanwhile BBC employees jet off to the Seychelles on company-funded junkets, receive absurdly generous relocation packages and the corporation fat cats rake in sickeningly humongous salaries at Taxpayer's expense. If only the government treated soldiers like this?

Quite how things will pan out when the changeover to digital comes remains to be seen, but it will be the ideal time for millions to say 'fuck it!' and not bother renewing their license... or their TV.

Purchasing your TV license

Once this was done by a quick trip to the Post Office: fork over the cash and it was a done deal. However with the removal of all the contracts from the PO, things have become a little more iffy.

  • Pay Point: Pay Points are supposedly easy and convenient, and can be found anywhere that you pay your prole tax. In reality your Pay Point will be staffed by dodgy Nigerians who don't understand a word you say. Inevitably they will also not understand that you'd like your change... all of it. And if you hand over your credit card then you deserve all that gets put on your account by Al Qaeda.
  • Snail Mail: Placing any payment in the post is asking for trouble, what with thieving postmen, 3% of all mail expected to disappear and having your letter blown up under anti-terrorism practices.
  • On-Line: The scariest option of all. Run by Capita, if you pay for your license on-line you can fully expect
    • your account to be debited three or four times (or more)
    • the website to crash leaving you no wiser if your account has been debited, or...
    • the non-creation of the paperwork that will protect you from future 1st and 2nd men onto your balcony - despite acceptance of your payment.