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The Taxpayer

A semi-mythical beast, like the man on the Clapham omnibus. Currently, the UK has twenty-seven taxpayers who work for civillian companies and are not employed by the State in some form or another; or are on benefits, at school or retired and drawing the State Pension. These twenty-seven doughty souls support the other 61,999,973 folk in the country.

However, in a masterpiece of economic theory, those who work for the State also pay tax - and so effectively pay their own wages. This means that the money from the twenty-seven non-State employees is soley used to replace money lost down the sides of sofas, dropped on the beach, thrown into wishing wells, left in foreign vending machines and so forth. There are, however, two distinct schools of thought:

The Civilian Taxpayer's View

Supine cash cow exploited by a minority elite. The beleaguered taxpayer has been anally raped by successive Chancellors for eons. Whether it be Window Tax, Road Tax, Income Tax, Inheritance Tax, it all amounts to the same thing: the bottomless crock of gold that is the taxpayer being bled dry. Britain is the most taxed nation in the entire history... OF THE WORLD! Many nations have a higher level of taxation, but none have quite the sheer variety of differing taxes.

The imaginative prowess of those who hold our financial testicles defies belief. Coming soon (if not already here):

It wouldn't be so bad paying all these taxes if we were living in the land of milk & honey. But we're not. Just where does it all go? It's pissed and frittered away like a water main in Basildon, that's where. And they don't care how they waste it, because there are millions of subservient cnuts out there that are willing to be bitch whipped by the Chancellor of the Exchequer. To the barricades mes amis!

Jeez I thought it was just me that felt this way!

The Military Taxpayer's View

Taxpayers normally declare themselves during family parties or large barbecues. They are, almost without exception, skinny, dried-up men from Godalming who drive Vauxhall Vectra's and who secretly play Full Spectrum Warrior on the Internet with a Log In like "Vindicator."

They will normally reveal themselves as Taxpayers by asking "So is THAT where my taxes go?" They will ask this question because for the last hour the entire party, including - notably - his young, nubile daughter, have been sat rapt listening to stories regaled by the military persons present. The exact trigger for his question will be an idle remark referring to the one time you went to Sonthofen to do some Adventure Training.

He will look meaningfully at all the other 'Taxpayers' at the party. Vicariously, they all forget that:

  • the men who stopped his granny being diddled by the Panzer Lehr Division were military;
  • the men who toed the line defending his right to smoke weed at uni and shag naive drama students wore uniform;
  • the lads who stood-in to ensure his area had emergency fire cover last year were squaddies;
  • the men who rendered safe the postal bomb or WW2 1,000 pounder at the end of his street last Thursday were HM Forces;
  • and the boys and girls who come back in black polyurethane bags every time his four bed semi (with double garage) needs protecting from the latest band of crazies wear DPM.

They will also fail to realise that we too pay our taxes, even when risking our lives on operations. Rather than point all this out and ask him how much he gets in child benefit etc, just fcuk his daughter, it will annoy him so much more. Here's hoping the Taxpayer never discovers the truth about Panda Cola or Sodexho.

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