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State Pension

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The Stick

Throughout your (miserable) life, a sizable chunk of your hard-earned wages gets legally syphoned off by the Government to enable them to squander it on countless mong policies, initiatives, unwinnable wars, Overseas Aid and hefty salaries for politicians. It's called National Insurance and it's the 'stick' bit.

The Carrot

The 'carrot' bit is that your contributions have been received by a grateful nation and upon retirement from working life your labours and endeavours will be rewarded by a generous periodic hand out from the State's coffers - enabling the weary recipient to spend the rest of his days doing shit like fishing, playing bingo or rattling away down the allotment.


Unfortunately, successive governments (and one in particular) have pissed away all the dosh on crap policies and keeping the great unwashed in the manner to which they have become accustomed. So the cupboard is pretty bare.


Consequently, the weekly State Pension is akin to a years' wages in a Bangladeshi sweat shop, so you can forget fishing. The bingo halls have all been closed due to them being institutionally racist and offensive to certain quarters of society, and all the allotments have been concreted over to make way for vast housing estates to accommodate the estimated 985 trillion immigrants that are expected to trickle in to the UK by next Wednesday.

All By Myself

So the reality is that rather than spending the twilight of your years running along beaches with a Labrador, having candle lit dinners with ropey ol' widows or going on World cruises - like the Saga ads suggest, you're more than likely going to be spending the end of days barricaded in to a tiny, freezing flat in a graffiti-daubed, high-rise tower block that stinks of piss with no working lifts - and all on a State Pension of £2.86 per month.


If you work in the public sector (that mythical beast called a Civil Servant), you have a guaranteed final salary pension for life. Now you'd think to yourself...

"Why right, not do ma pension wot you done to these civnil servents pensions n that? Innit?"

Well there's a bit of a cock up there, as these are no better. You see, these pensions are unfunded. They need to be paid out of petty cash to the tune of about 700 billion quid, but the government don't like to talk about that as there really is no money to pay them. What happens when the NHS, PFI and benefit money takes all of the GNP (around 2015) is anyone's guess.

Beachy Head

So there you have it. The easiest option is to spare the State the burden of your existence and kill yourself.

External Links

Pension Sorter

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