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If there was a substance that proved the adages “one man’s meat is another man’s poison” and “if it doesn’t taste nice, it must be good for you”, then that honour goes to sperm. Its effects vary wildly according to gender.

WOMEN - beauty product companies will deny this, (they don’t want you to know that there is an endless FREE supply of this stuff), but sperm is the best skin product ever produced. As it is totally organic and free of preservatives, it must be used as soon as it removed from its container. It must be liberally applied to the face and body before it goes ‘off’, i.e. crusty like icing. Excess amounts can be licked off the fingers, as it is non-toxic, and provides a valuable dose of protein. This also prevents a condition developing called bukkake.

MEN – sperm is hazardous to men once it makes contact with air, which is why the container ejects it forcibly to a safe distance. Contact with the skin can cause the same damage as white phosphorous; swallowing it can cause anaphylactic shock – unless you are a matelot.

WARNING – do not use the name of this substance and the word MONG in the same sentence – you may end up with a good shoeing and/or in jail.

See also: baby gravy, crumpet batter, grumble mayo, jizz, man chowder, man gravy, manfat, Man lard and Spunk to name but a few.