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Social Worker

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I largely ineffectual do-gooder drawn from a particular stratum of society that has opted out from real life and dedicated theirs to poking their fucking noses in to others'.

Invariably recruited via the 'Society' pages of the Guardian, social workers are usually bearded, real ale-swigging, choir singing types who are sartorially challenged, or fat, militant lesbians.

Social workers will almost always pick the wrong target - accusing parents of serial child abuse simply because little Tamsin had a slight bruise on her arm that she incurred during PE at school.

Meanwhile, next door, a gang of paedophiles are making snuff movies with trafficked Romanian orphans; and across the street, that nice couple from Nigeria are eagerly preparing their offspring for a spot of ritual sacrifice - despite Social Services being aware of little Winston's plight... and despite him having been on their 'danger list' for two years.

Nevertheless, the full weight of the law comes down like a sack of spuds on Mr & Mrs Normal and they're dragged through the courts at enormous expense to the taxpayer, only to be found (eventually) innocent - and that little Tamsin really did only trip up during volleyball.

Meanwhile, Acacia Gardens is awash with chicken blood and as night falls the shadows of that awfully nice Nigerian couple can be seen dancing around Winston's funeral pyre at No.15 - accompanied by the heady, primeval beat of bongo drums... probably.

Unsurprisingly 'social workers' wouldn't have existed 100 years ago.

Social Worker failure