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Who is this charismatic charmer and legendary "swordsman" some say he is the b@stard love child of a coupling between marilyn monroe, and iggy pop, others say he is a failed experiment to find the perfect container for dangerous chemicals...

Can often be found trawling the streets of Britain looking for specimens for his "mong hunting ranch and country club" which is now up and running and turning a tidy profit:

Is the best Agony Aunt since Dear Deirdre:

Looks remarkably like Frank Skinner with a voice similar to Lorraine chase. Has a bong eye, which he 100% denies and is only 5'7.

His wardrobe includes crimpolene suits, sparkly cummerbunds and built up plastic shoes.

Favourite comedian is Stan Boardman and has a history of violence towards animals and children and a conviction for stealing Allegro spares from Kwik fit

Shortfuse dated Jo Brand in the early eighties and still has a collection of arm pit hair and toe nail clippings, which he keeps in his wallet and tires everyone with stories about the places he nailed and plated her.