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Serious Organised Crime Agency

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Ultra-secretive anti-crime organisation based in Whitley, Coventry. SOCA was formed in 2004 to combat the burgeoning epidemic of crime, as the police were too busy filling in reams of paperwork, hitting targets, ticking boxes, arresting little old ladies for something or other and nicking little girls for chalking hopscotch on the pavement - all very laudable and vital to the stability of society. But it wasn't enough.

With the War on Crime now in full swing at the behest of the Celestial Navigator, it was decided that a totally new organisation was needed and thus SOCA was created to operate not outside the law, but totally beyond it.

The entrance to SOCA's discrete HQ. The main complex is subterranean

SOCA is like Torchwood on acid. With an immense budget to spend (courtesy of the taxpayer), SOCA's highly trained and motivated operatives get to drive the flashiest motors, wear the snazziest kit, get the best guns to shoot and the fittest birds to shag. They also get to nick the biggest and most dangerous slags in the business.

Money is no object. SOCA's HQ is buried deep underground in a corruption-proof cavern and possesses the very latest in technological advancements. SOCA's computers are directly linked to a string of surveillance satellites in geostationary orbit above the UK that are specially tuned to pick up crime waves - believed to be of a similar type used by Ken Livingstone to monitor the Congestion Charge.

"Your're fackin' nicked my ol' cocker!" The Head Shed of SOCA, Commander Sir **** Mc*** with his personalised and badged Jag yesterday

Needless to say, the vast expenditure has been worth every penny. SOCA's very existence has struck so much fear in to the hearts of ├╝bercriminals that serious crime has all but been eradicated.

All that remains now is for the non-serious criminals to be dealt with, but with Sir **** at the helm it's only a matter of time before Britain's streets are swept clean of scrotes, toerags and muppets - and little old ladies. Goodnight... and sleep well!