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Security Industry Authority

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Money for old rope

The SIA is a NDPB established in 2003 to regulate the security industry, which, to be honest, was (and still is) a total gang fuck. Someone had the brilliant idea of creating an organisation to oversee this free-for-all and also to introduce a license - which had to be purchased (of course) at no small expense by the holder to enable them to work in the 'industry'.

Where once any old mong could waltz in to security work - which, let's face it, is hardly rocket science - now applicants have to do a 'course'. The course entails sitting in a stark 'classroom' (portakabin) on an industrial estate on the outskirts of Slough for several hours. Accompanied by several other mongs (the majority of whom will be from the colonies) most of the morning will be taken up trying to figure out how the (knackered) coffee machine works. When the 'instructor' eventually arrives (after being stuck in a tailback on the ring road) you will then be 'instructed' how to be nice and how not to get the shit kicked out of you by being 'non-confrontational'.

The successful candidates are then required to submit a sperm sample and a complete family history dating back to The Dark Ages to enable the awfully nice SIA people in Liverpool [Excellent choice of HQ] to vet them for suitability and to see if they've been naughty and been in trouble with the police - and all to the tune of £245, thank you very much. All very nice.


After an interminable wait, the license and the very important documents (photocopies not acceptable) that the applicant had sent to verify their credentials are duly dispatched back to the (now legal) security mong to enable him/her/it to earn a crust.

This documentation is (naturally) sent via unregistered mail and stuffed in to a blatantly obvious package marked Security Industry Authority. Important Documents Enclosed. This is presumably done to make it easier for identity fraudsters at the Royal Mail to steal the documents contained therein - all of which are more than enough to establish a new ID and open bank accounts etc.

So now everyone is properly vetted, CRB checked, trained and fully prepared for all eventualities and everyone's happy. It therefore came as a surprise somewhat to learn that the SIA had issued thousands of licenses to illegal immigrants. Quite how it is possible to vet and check someone without a National Insurance number and an address in Lagos has never been adequately explained [Is it coz I is black?], but who gives a shit when the real raison d'etre of the SIA is money making? And £245 every three fucking years makes it one of the most expensive operating licenses in the World!

The license categories are:

Currently, licensing is only required by contract security companies' management & their employees. The British government is considering whether to extend this to in-house security officers. Oh you fucking betcha they are. Kerching!

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