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The Complete Meal

The Lowdown

The moment the Earl of Sandwich slapped meat between two pieces of bread, the world changed. It has ushered in a world of culinary revolution. Our tastebuds can only thank God that such a delicious entree known as the sandwich exists. Sandwich! Oh, beautiful sandwich! I love you in so many ways. I love that you are compact and mobile. Your deliciousness is ever so apparent. Make no mistake, the sandwich is the best meal in the world.

The reason the sandwich is so good is because of how it is made; i.e. by women who know their place. Take any edible object in the world, and that object is instantly made better by being stuck between two pieces of bread. The combinations are endless. The peanut enthusiast can thank his lucky stars, for instance, for the peanut butter sandwich. Cheese: staid and boring until you transform it - with the aid of wheat products and some form of external heating device - into a grilled cheese sandwich. Let us not forget the ultimate sandwich in the world: the BLT. Separately, bacon, lettuce and tomato can be quite boring. But add them together, top it with mayo, and bring on the bread, a BLT creates havoc upon your tastebuds. Yes, with so many combinations, this is one of the reasons the sandwich is the best.

Yet, it is also compact and mobile. In other words, sandwiches make eating practical. While you can enjoy a sandwich on a plate, there are also myriads of places a sandwich can be enjoyed. Take, for instance, your car. While eating spaghetti when you are driving is possible, it is guaranteed to be messy. Not so with the sandwich. With only one hand, the sandwich can be enjoyed and consumed within minutes. Any mess at all is minimal, and the best thing about it is that you come away mostly clean. Also, a sandwich can also be enjoyed on a park bench, in a roller coaster, and in prison. The sandwich sees no ethnic boundaries and can be enjoyed by whitey, dark-skinned and kosher folks alike!

Meat and Bread - simple as
It's possible that the sandwich artisan may have lost sight of his endstate here...

Make no mistake about the sandwich; while it may be pragmatic in its design, it is also tasty. There is nothing comparable to a BLT. You may think that Pie & Chips is the Food of the Gods, but nothing can make you praise the Lord the same way the marriage of fruit, vegetable, and unkosher meat does. A roast beef sub with monterey jack cheese also puts you in ecstasy. The same can be said about a cucumber sandwich with a hint of mayo. The sandwich is not only a boon for the culinary arts, it is also Western civilization's greatest statement.

Make no question about it: the sandwich is the greatest. It can be made so many ways. It is compact and can be taken anywhere. Most importantly, however, it tastes great. The sandwich should be appreciated for what it is: it is not only good food, it is man's greatest statement about Existence - condensed in edible form.

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