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SBS

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Special Boat Service

Formerly the Special Boat Squadron ... Consider them (superbooties).

A lot of military types see the SBS as the poor cousin to the SAS or 'Them', but in fact they are superior soldiers in some astonishing ways. Here is a list of things that make them, well not 'Them' 'cause thats someone else. Anyway here it is:

  1. All SBS can hold their breath underwater for three days (selection criteria).
  2. All have to have dark green and black camouflage tattoos on their faces.
  3. All can speak fluent dolphin 'click click' language.
  4. One phase of SBS selection is "The Way of the Molusc" in which they have to fight to the death with an Octopus.
  5. All of the staff at sealife centres are ex-SBS.
  6. Peter Andre (of Material Girl fame), is ex-Aussie SBSR.
  7. Shane Warne - the Aussie cricketer - applied for SBSR, but was turned down for being too fat.
  8. The Aussies don't actually have an SBS unit.
  9. Lewis Collins of The Professionals fame was RTUd for trying to kiss a koi carp on the mouth during selection. His defence was 'She came onto me.'
  10. Most ex-SBS have evolved gills and have donated their lungs to the NHS.
  11. The SBS are sometimes referred to as the 'Shaky Boat Squadron'.
  12. Prospective candidates for selection are required to be interviewed by the CO whilst wearing a gimp suit. This assesses their suitability for rubber wear...
  13. ...They are then required to do a twenty miler in it...
  14. ... and then get the beers in!
  15. Unlike the SAS, literacy and literary aspirations are not a requirement ... which has resulted in most SBS books having a reading age of 5 OR have to be ghost written.
  16. If you dine out in a Portsmouth restaurant and ask if you may 'have the fish', its too late, the SBS will have had it first.
  17. They are considered one of the most Elite amphibious units in the world,however the problems begin when they hit land as most can swim better than walk.
  18. They were nicknamed mockingly the "shakyboats" by their land based cousins,now however they are no longer mocked with this nickname but they are still called the shakyboats.
  19. The best bit about being SBS is whan a mission goes tits up,it can then immediately be blamed on THEM,and if/when/[have they ever]they successfully complete a mission they can alert SKY news.
  20. They are considered among the most intelligent of all Special Forces soldiers but they also allow themselves to be fired from torpedo tubes of Submarines.
  21. Almost all have a second language and most have an understanding of Glasweigen.
  22. There have been reports in Newspapers as to the rivalry of the SAS and the SBS,it was said that the SAS regarded their land skills as abysmal,this intern led to a root and branch reform of relationships, now known as Coco Troop one man in every SBS four man team is now from the SAS,this man was until recently mockingly known as Dada by the SAS,but when it was established that SAS men were allergic too and terrified of Great White Sharks and Water this nickname was reversed to Mamma,an SBS spokesman said "when the water starts getting above their [SAS's] knees they start hyper-ventilating",hence the jesting stopped..
  23. They like the SAS have a silk map sowed into their Smocks however unlike the SAS they also have a white flag,just in case.
  24. They are Believed to have four troops specialising in various forms of warfare A-Troop works with the underwater toys, B-Troop is land based, M-Troop [Stands for Marlin] is based in the canarys and specialises in Big Game Fishing,W-troop is responsible for the maintainence of all windfarms in the UK.