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Public House or Pub:

A sort of shop in the UK where beer, other alcoholic drinks and hideously overpriced soft drinks can be purchased and consumed legally. Some, indeed most, sell food known as Pub Grub.

Categories of Pub:

The traditional pub: A hostelry which has been in existence for many decades without change or indeed redecoration. Often the cultural centre of a small village, it may have a log/coal fire, real ales and 3 bar fly regulars. These will sit and stare at you (in undisguised contempt) if you are a stranger just passing through and having stopped for a drink (it's worth pointing out that one of these regulars will claim to have been in The Special Air Service Regiment and to have been one of the first pair out on the balcony at the Iranian Embassy siege in 1980).

Theme pub: a large chain's attempt at creating a traditional pub from modern parts/materials. This invariably fails creating an empty soulless experience selling only overpriced weak p!ss in bottles. Burberry wearers can be found here thinking this is pure deid classy man

Beer Keller: usually a cellar specializing in beers/ales from around the world. Expensive but you get to play around the world in 80 pints i.e. mongolian baa dog. Burberry wearers can be found here purchasing Tennants lager and thinking this is pure deid cosmopolitan man

Large pub chain: Firms like witherspoons supply bright airy clone bars which supply alcoholic drinks and pub grub fairly cheaply. A sort of starter for 10 type of bar or for amateur drinkers.

Bikers bar: Sort of place you can be thrown though the front window any evening of the week if you get it wrong and offend the wrong people. Burberry can only be found outside in the gutter pure deid.


The staff of pub fall into 3 broad categories although there are many other sub categories within each:

Useless: These may be new starts yet to find their feet or simply a mong employed to tick a box in this politically correct country we live in. The result however will be the same to the customer. Massive frustration as you are unable to get served, get the right drink, the right change ... and your food order of 3 double burgers with extra fries will mysteriously turn into 14 portions of ice cream. Mlaaar!

Scary Efficient: These are either veterans of the bar trade or those genetically bred for bar work (Irish, Australians and Polish women). They can pour you three pints, take your food order, correct mong co-workers, stop a fight, fend off your sexual advances AND give you the right change all while treating you with polite but thinly disguised contempt. Totally Nails!

Foreign: Excluding the Aussies and Poles, foreign bar staff can be either of the above but for some reason tend to be very hot. They are often students with passable English but for some reason simply missed the chapter on double ententes with regards to sex. Thus entire evenings can be whiled away in a semi drunken state chatting up the bar maid without her having the slightest clue that the last 3 hours have been sexual harassment of the 1st order.