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Pot Noodle

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A "foodstuff" suitable only for consumption at times of utmost desparation.

As the preparation of a Pot Noodle consists of nothing more than pouring boiling water into it, leaving it for two minutes and stirring it, you'd think it would be ideal post-pub sustenance.

You would be very wrong.

The need for boiling water presents the first difficulty - boiling a kettle while pissed, then pouring the water into a thin-walled plastic container, also while pissed. The possibilities for disaster should be obvious to all (unless you're pissed).

The second difficulty is the patience required to allow the noodles* to absorb sufficient water to lose their rock hard, dehydrated, inedible texture and assume the correct slimy, soggy, inedible texture. Easily done while sober, virtually impossible while drunk.

Innumerable Pot Noodles have been attacked over the years by impatient piss-heads who, in trying to stir a solid block of what appears to be some form of loft insulation, have smashed it into smithereens in frustration. The resulting shortness of the noodles makes it virtually impossible to eat with just a fork and introduces the need for a spoon. Bad Drills.

As a further complication most Pot Noodles include a small sachet of sauce*, this can be removed either with your fingers (before pouring on the boiling water), or afterwards by the Heimlich Maneuver.

The noodles* should then be consumed with the fork. Do not eat anything else in there, especially the small pieces of Texturised Vegetable Protein which lurk within. These can usually be found at the bottom of the primordial soup that is left after the noodles* have been eaten, in amongst an unidentifiable slurry of all the additives (details of which can be found on the side of the container. Don't look until after you've eaten it. A long time after you've eaten it).