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Portsmouth

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01DBurj-Al-Arab.jpg
Portsmouth’s spectacular Spinnaker Tower

Portsmouth was accurately described, a few years ago, as a Northern industrial city located on the South Coast of England.

The Up Side

Portsmouth has a very mild climate as it is situated on a small island sheltered by the South downs to the North and the Isle Of Wight to the South. It features many tourist attractions including HMS Warrior, HMS Victory, The Mary Rose, the Historic Dockyard (containing the above) as well as a two mile long sea front of mixed shingle and beach. It hosts the last remaining commercial hovercraft service, the Royal Marines Museum and a few other half decent things to see.

The Down Side

The population of Portsmouth are mainly the descendants of 500 years of interbreeding between victims of the press gang and the lowest form of street whore hence it has a disproportionately ugly population. Of the 230,000 inhabitants close to 200,000 would not look out of place licking the windows of a Variety Club Sunshine Coach.

The women of Portsmouth are a particular treasure for the city as, in past times of siege, the city survived by eating some of the larger ones; this did not discourage the eternal quest to find where all the pies are hidden in the city; a local sort of traditional Pukka Pie Holy Grail which has resulted in 75% of the women of this sceptered isle being issued with four buttocks and a face like a robber's dog. The local term for women is 'Skate Bait' as most of them just want some nautical tail so they can move to Plymouth.

If you want to have your car vandalised by a baseball-cap wearing 17 year old chav, pay 300K for a house and not get a garage, or you are really into throwing one up big tattooed women then this is the place for you. Oh, and there are only about three restaurants in the entire city that cater for anyone who doesn't think good food begins with a tin opener.

Portsmouth also possesses one of the most philistine councils and populations in the country; for example, Portsmouth once constructed a modernist mecca of shopping called The Tricorn Centre. The Tricorn was an innovative and exiting piece of modern architecture worthy of following on from the De La Warr Pavilion at Bexhill.

But, sadly, the council and the owner spent only 36 shillings on maintenance over 25 years and so it rotted away, leaving them the chance to spend hundreds of thousands of pounds on a campaign to pull it down because it didn't have fleur-de-lys and bloody sash windows. All this took place whilst the population tolerated the existence of The Cascades which is a soulless, characterless 1970s slab-sided brick building with the design merits of a ring of pineapple on a slice of gammon.

The site of The Tricorn is now a car park charging £1 per 30 minutes which is what the population who had the Tricorn pulled down deserve.

Quote to Note:

"He's either never been to Umm Qasar or he's never been to Southampton. There's no beer, no prostitutes and the people are shooting at us. It's more like Portsmouth." British Squaddie after Geoff Hoon (then defence minister) compared the Iraqi port to the British coastal town.