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All three British Military services are fortunate enough to have pilots within their ranks. Pilots are held in such high regard that the British Armed Forces is desperate to retain their services, and provides them with vast quantities of flying pay and Financial Retention Incentives.

British Army

Girls allowed

The professional Army pilot likes to impress by either delivering pizzas with his Lynx, or showing off acrobatic skills after lots of Pimms in the Mess.

  • Lynx pilots go into DKMH after their first tour, for an operation to insert their bergans into their stomachs.
  • Gazelle pilots (or quiche eaters) develop a penchant for young choirboys, and sandwiches with the crusts cut off.
  • Apache pilots (or 'attack pilots' as they like to be known) tend to have a complex and ego the size of Greenland compared to 'legacy aircraft' pilots. That in itself is quite an accomplishment.

US Apache pilots have the condition known as AIDS (Apache Induced Divorce Syndrome). The official reason for this is thus; due to their nocturnal activities and their importance as a 'battle space asset' requires them to be deployed worldwide, everywhere, at all times, defending the faith and securing democracy - meaning they spend little time with family.

The real reason is that their spouses realise they are dull geeks with a massive ego and would rather spend their time in a white box killing pixels on a screen and talking to other 'attack pilots' about killing pixels in a white box. The missus tends to feck orf with a chap who is slightly less dull and loves her more than himself. Time will tell, and the increase in 'living in mess members' at Wattisham and Dishforth will indicate if this trend has been inherited by our 'attack pilots'.

673 Sqn Army Air Corps (Attack Sqn) has probably the most unimaginative and 'chad valley' squadron badge ever. It is a climbing Panther set in the usual crest arrangement. Sounds cool? It is based on the 'squaddie tattoo' favoured by recruits shortly after joining the mob. No shitting, that is the exact picture.

An Apache pilot can be recognised in three ways. The first way is he will tell you (twelve times in the first minute), the second way is by his pasty complexion (due to not seeing sunlight because of 'reverse cycle' for six months), and the third way is a right eye the size of a saucer and the left eye almost closed up due to not being required.

Royal Air Force


Royal Air Force (RAF) pilots are generally hated by the rest of the RAF, who refer to them as the 'Two Winged Master Race'. A good way to irritate the Crab Air drivers is to point out that in the British Army, they would be a Corporal, not a Pilot Officer. Another good way is to refer to them as Bus Drivers, thus implying that they failed fast jets, and are doomed to a career flying the VC10; or as Navigators, implying that they aren't even trusted to land the plane.

These are not the people you want handling your HELQUEST, as some feeble excuse about a 10% possibility of rain spots on the paintwork over their third diversionary airfield is normally good enough for them to sack it and head off back to base for Happy Hour.

Despite being quintessentially chod - as well as flying obsolete aircraft with weapons that were supposed to be good, but for some reason or other turned out to be rubbish - RAF pilots are the only vaguely 'professional' (and I use that word relatively, believe me) part of the Civilianised Air Wing of HM Forces. They are also the only ones that are allowed to develop personalities, unfortunately they're sh1te at it.

Royal Navy

The Royal Navy probably the bravest/maddest of all pilots. Their runway generally isn't in the same place as it was when they left it! They have to regularly land at night with the platform bouncing up and down, in the middle of a North Atlantic storm. Other navies' fast jet crews get launched off the boat on a big steam catapult and they aren't even allowed to hold on the the stick.

These are just the people you want handling your HELQUEST, as it's your best chance of 'not having to walk home'. Sadly, they are still sailors, and despite being brave, nearly all are chutney ferrets.

Royal Engineers

The Royal Engineers also have 'pilots'. This is the Amphibious Engineer, who is trained and qualified to 'drive' the M3 Amphibious Bridge - an amphibious bridging and ferrying equipment, when it is on the water. It is a skilled job that requires practice, and it is the key position on any M3. A good pilot can make a bad M3 Commander look good, and a bad pilot will make a good M3 Commander look bad.


  • Q. How do you know when a pilot enters the room?
    • A. Don't worry they'll tell you.
  • Q. What's the difference between a turbine and a pilot?
    • A. The turbine stops whining when you get to the crewroom.