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Pant Weapons

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The progressive and ever increasing armoury of the area enclosed within a man's boxer shorts, proudly displayed every morning ....

"This varied and wonderful array of weapons started with the basic and simple Mk1 Copulation Club, which was soon succeeded by the more heavy duty and dangerous Mutton Dagger. The only notable upgrade on the aforementioned Mutton Dagger in the melee league for many years was the development of the larger and heavier Pork Sword, which enjoyed a short period of fame before the Man Musket came along and pissed all over it. The Pork Sword may still be found occasionally in the collections of some hardcore Pant Weapon collecting enthusiasts (see Dale The Snail and ARRSE Maidens).

Following the development of the Man Musket, a rapid period of advancement followed, seeing the development of such weapons as the Lamb Cannon, the Meat Mortar and the Ham Howitzer. These particular items enjoyed a long period of popularity and still continue to form the base templates for many modern Pant Weapons.

Nowadays, most fighting men are restricted to the Mk18 Rump Rifle, although one in eight men is to be found in possession of a Beef Bazooka and a similar number of men carry the Heckler & Kock PSG-1 (Producer, Super Goo, Mk1). Other uncommon modern Pant Weapons include the SAM (Snatch to Anus Missile) also known as 'Stinger', the slightly more commonplace Meat Missile and LSW (Light Sex Weapon) and the 94mm LAW (Light-duty Arrse Widener); although only the unluckiest of men is unfortunate enough to have the latter as his issue Pant Weapon.

Although the path of modern Pant Weapons cannot be predicted too far into the future, one major item currently in the pipeline (or not, as the case may be until it is released into general service) is the OICW (Outrageous Individual Copulation Weapon)."

-Extract from 'A Short History of Pant Weapons' by Sir Dae, priced at £6.99 and available from no good bookshops.