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Olympic Games

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Failurefest 2012

A two-week festival of national pride and self-indulgence that should act as a showcase for our engineering prowess and sporting skill, but will inevitably show us up for the dirty, shabby, pile-of-shit country that we've become since our last measly effort in 1948.

Then again, back then we'd only had five years of Hitler. Currently we've had over a decade of Blair and an (as yet) unspecified tenure of Gordon Brown. Looks like the 1948 powdered egg effort might be a step up from what will be dished up in 2012.

The 2012 Olympics will be a Cake and Arse Party of biblical proportions as foreshadowed by the screw ups of the Millennium Dome, Wembley Stadium and Terminal 5 at Heathrow. The total cost is estimated to be well in excess of £570 trillion - which is slightly more than Tessa Jowell anticipated (by many many billion). Even more than it took Crash Gordon to save the world.

So the country will be beggared, taxation will be increased, our reputation for failure cast in concrete and all for a fortnight's worth of running, jumping... and (invariably) losing. Fucking brilliant, eh?

Credit Crunch addition:

Something no-one expected was one of the side effects of the credit crunch. All the legally working here foreigners (ie the Poles) packed their toolbelts and fecked off home. Now there is a shortage of skilled workmen to actually build the facilities let alone any money to pay for it. And given that Gordon's master plan for increasing tax to 101% of your salary kicks in about 2011, there's going to be no-one who can afford to actually attend.

Tessa Jowell has already admitted that had they knew the recession was coming they wouldn't have bid for this opportunity to bankrupt an already shattered nation. There are already calls for this to be an austerity Olympics ie cheap. This is likely to mean the rowing and boating on the Thames, the horse jumping in Hyde Park, the shooting in Helmand Province (with lifelike moving targets) and the swimming in my bath.

No money, no workers, no audience. What a spectacle this is going to be!

Mascot update

Olympics, a load of cock

With 2 years to go and in desperate need of some good publicity, the 2 mascots for the games were paraded before the press. Critics were taken aback by the sheer genius of the 2 mascots named Wenlock and Mandeville.

One described them in glowing terms as “a calamity” and another as 'patronising rubbish' with a third considering a simple "patronising, cretinous infantilism" as praise enough. Thank the gods it only took an 18-month design process and involved only 40 focus groups at a cost of 400grand ... all to create this cock (literally!). Nice to see the organizers are cutting back on the squandering of taxpayers money.

It is however quite worrying that the blue one appears to be wearing his buttless chaps back to front!

Story here