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Nelson Mandela

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I’m not the Messiah, just a very naughty boy!


Ageing statesman, former President of South Africa and darling of the liberal elite. Nelson Mandela achieved immortality for getting himself slammed up in chokey for a twenty-seven year stretch and ending up on an island prison – a bit like Papillion, but with an afro.

Nelson’s misdemeanours against the unsavoury apartheid regime included sedition, treason and being a generally gobby malcontent – oh... and blowing shit up. Yeah, that last bit was the nigger in the woodpile so to speak.

Tea & Cakes

Nelson’s repeated invites for the Pretorian Guard to attend tea & cakes parties at ANC HQ - and pleas to 'stop being beastly to the blacks' - fell on deaf ears. So miffed was Nelson and his cohorts at this snub that their only recourse was to abandon the 'nice guy' approach and get all bombed up.

All this was compounded with our lad being head shed of the MK: the militant armed wing of the African National Congress – an organisation rather akin to Britain’s NUM... but with spears and stuff. This meant that not only was he high in the pecking order of the ANC, but ripe for being nicked and banged up – which he duly was... and quite right too some would say.

Cry Freedom!

However, one man’s terrorist is another man's freedom fighter and so it came to pass that Nelson became the poster boy of the lefties – in particular the Labour Party. Nelson ticked all the right diversity boxes:

  • He was (and still is) black.
  • He had an attitude and an axe to grind.
  • He was banged up...
  • ... and by the evil Nazi-esque regime of South Africa to boot!

Bargain! Despite all that, the vast majority of people in the UK had never heard of him; after all there were plenty of others of all colours and hues behind bars against their will for their beliefs, so?

All this changed in 1984 when a ska band called the Special AKA released Free Nelson Mandela. Die hard ska fans besieged record shops and Customer Services were overwhelmed by Mods and Skinheads demanding their free gift - despite not knowing exactly what it was.


Overnight, Nelson became the cause celebre of every unwashed Trot, student, lesbian and Guardianista in the land and he was catapulted to stardom on the World stage. It was thus only a matter of time before his incarceration became an embarassment to Pretoria and he was freed - and that the whole sorry and perfidious apartheid system disappeared up its own arrse.

The great day came in February 1990. So shamed by their treatment of black Africans, FW de Klerk's Pretoria administration quickly capitulated and Mandela was immediately sworn in as the President of a new nation.

Never mix cross-plies with radials!

La Belle Epoch

Like clouds parting after a storm, the new South Africa was instantly bathed in an etheric glow. Mandela was the new Messiah. Overnight, the squalid machinations of a century of hatred evaporated and an epoch of inter-racial harmony was ushered in. All crime stopped, birds sang for the first time in decades and choirs of liddle children rejoiced at the new beginning.

Viva Utopia!

Nelson Mandela became a living deity – second only to Princess Diana. Feted everywhere he went, he was mobbed by the adoring masses who were all cleansed by his ever-flowing fountain of peace, love and goodliness: the Mandela Effect.

To this very day, lefties and arty types swoon and fawn at the feet of the Black Messiah, as was recently displayed at his 90th birthday celebrations. Politicians shake his hand with glee and history itself has been re-written in his honour. He even has his own statue in Parliament Square.

The Future's Bright

So all is well with the World. The Lefties have triumphed and their golden calf has been buffed up to a hitherto unseen level of refulgence that requires a welder's mask to behold. The filthy Imperialist dogs have been made to eat their own faeces and are now wallowing in Post-Imperial Guilt. Black face good. White face bad.

One thing is for sure, with Nelson at the helm of righteousness, mankind is assured a future of bliss and harmonious perfection and modern South Africa stands as a beacon of success and achievement. And don't let any cnut tell you different. But whatever you do...

Don't Mention

He's now a bit dead.