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National Lottery

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The National Buggery

The National Lottery is the United Kingdom's tax on stupidity. Operated by Camelot Group, the lottery is regulated by the National Lottery Commission.

Falling sales - or a realisation that the chances of winning anything other than a tenner amounted to that of Maddy McCann winning the Grand National on Shergar - necessitated a major rebranding programme in 2002.

This resulted in the main game being renamed... Lotto. It must have taken all of five seconds for some 'consultant' to dream that fucker up - no doubt at huge expense. It is one of the most popular forms of gambling in the United Kingdom other than driving through Ipswich at night dressed as Jan Hamilton.

All prizes are tax-free. For every pound spent on any of the myriad Lottery games the following gets deducted:

  • 50p - The prize fund - the actual winnings.
  • 28p - 'Good causes' conveniently nominated by the government and levied to support the New Opportunities Fund - constituted to support public spending. Not quite the mongs, liddle children and fwuffy kitten causes that everyone assumes. Now totally dedicated to paying for the Olympics ... or at least a portion of the billions being squandered on Seb Coe's pipedream.
  • 12p - Duty. Quelle Surprise!
  • 5p - Retailers (commission).
  • 4.5p - Camelot.

Not content with boring the tits off the viewing public with an extravagant and overblown televised draw (when a simple announcement at the end of the news would suffice), some cnut thought that even more opportunities to rip the public off was in order and devised even more 'games' (that invariably yield fuck all) for the hapless cretins to squander their benefit on.

  • Lotto
  • Lotto Hotpicks
  • Thunderball
  • Dream Number
  • Scratchcards
  • Daily Play
  • EuroMillions
  • Olympic Lottery

Of consequence, BBC1's schedule is full to capacity every Saturday night with draw after draw after draw, and all ably hosted by arch closet gayster Dale Winton and some pointless blond Scottish bint who looks like a man - conveniently ticking two diversity boxes in a one-er.

CHANCES OF WINNING - 150,000,000,000/1