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We live in an era of choice. A bewildering array of produce and goods are available to the consumer and you are spoilt for choice - apart from in one area: sandwiches. Like the Model T Ford, you can have any colour you like as long as it's black (which isn't quite correct and is often misquoted). Likewise, you can have myriad sarnies that contain all sorts of weird and wonderful culinary concoctions, but with the common denominator in that they absolutely must also have liberal amounts of mayonnaise smeared all over them.

This is fine if you're in to eating something that looks as if it's been brought forth from a donkey's chod by some Danish bint dressed as a nun, but for those of us who simply cannot stand the fucking stuff, there is little recourse but to go hungry.

By far the cruelest trick is to mislead the starving customer in to believing he's purchased a packet of sarnies that does not contain mayonnaise - which in itself is a rare find indeed. The author has spent hours going through rack upon rack of butties searching for that elusive Holy Grail of light snacks: Does Not Contain Mayonnaise - only to find, upon opening the packet with glee in anticipation of a lunchtime feed, that it fucking well does. Kipper, Stitched (Up), Qty x 1.

Quite who it was that decided that every single fucking sarnie on the planet has to contain this eggy shit has never been established, but it would appear that the usage of this perfidious ingredient in, what should be, simple fayre, has been chiseled in to granite and thus mayonnaise is here to stay for the rest of time... and beyond!