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Manchester

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Pronounced "Manchest-Orr". City with pretensions in the North West of England. Tries very hard to be cool and trendy but is populated by people who say "Eye-yoh" instead of Hello and "C-Yoh LateOh" instead of Goodbye. Best avoided. Fashionable cavalry officers have been known to resign their commissions rather than be posted here.

An additional linguistic hindrance is the inability of the populus to pronounce the word car correctly, instead sounding like a deranged polly parrot.

Also a distinct feeling of more cloning than a Star Wars film when, "observing" RTFQ style, the women of the city. The same hairstyles, the same clothes... and rumoured to all have the same husband. Husband by the way is loosely defined as someone who is "Avin-Yoh" and who need not actually be married "2-Yoh" to qualify for this role.

Most Mancunians tend to like spending their annual holiday in places like "Ayanap-Oh" drinking lots of "Larg-Oh" and generally getting into yet more trouble.

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Manchester has the world's largest concentration of: ASBOs, Teenage mums, street-corner yobs and off-licenses prepared to sell beer to 12 year-olds.

The prime of life in Manchester is reached at 15, usually with the arrival of the second offspring, but before the first adult criminal sentence. On release from prison most then follow in the family business of drug-dealing, burgling or car theft. A lucky few may follow the parental lead and qualify for Disability Living Allowance (due to injuries sustained during the commission of crime) which guarantees income for the remainder of their worthless, unfulfilling lives.

Secret talks in 2005 to sell the city as a nuclear testing ground were scuppered, when the parties approached decided to run the gamut of Greenpeace rather than wake every morning to try and locate stolen vehicles, murdered colleagues etc.

A move is under way to attract the populations of Basra and Baghdad to improve the quality of life within the city.