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Lieutenant Colonel

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Colloq: "Half-Colonel"

The other half of the only two Field Officer ranks in the British Army.

A small enough fish to live in fear of the Brigade Commander, but when commanding the cosy little pool of Regimental life, quite often persuaded to imagine great power has been conferred upon one.

Hence, the rank that allows one to turn seriously odd - even if one were not that way inclined before. Coincidentally, this rank is reached at roughly the average age for a mid-life crisis.

This is the rank where, when the Peter Principle surfaces, the impact further south on the food chain is most visible. It really isn't pretty.

Now one can indulge one's wildest ideas about regimental codpieces, nude swimming with the chaps, enforced baptism, stable belts with pullovers and founding one's own Scout Troop. Fortunately, (see mid-life crisis) the Army in its wisdom issues units with a Padre and a Regimental Medical Officer who can allegedly react to such behaviour.

They can exhibit severe persecution complexes by assuming that every single soldier in the Regiment they command all have a personal mission to ruin their career. (In fairness, often they may have a point).

Almost all Lieutenant Colonels are rich and upper class, own three horses, two ponies, a Labrador, a Range Rover and have a daughter called Lucinda. Lieutenant Colonels spend most of their working day smoking opium, shaving their genitals and watching porn films. Their favourite porn film being Bung Hole Busters.

Most Lieutenant Colonels retire as soon as they can after commanding a Battalion - otherwise they know they will spend the rest of their Army career making tea for a series of more senior General Staff Officers.

The remainder are LE Lt Cols, who are usually grizzled and scary, with an awful lot of blackmail stories about the Brigade Commander when he was a subaltern.

ukFlag.jpg   British Army rank structure   36px-Flag_of_the_British_Army.svg.png
Commissioned Officer ranks
Second LieutenantLieutenantCaptainMajorLieutenant ColonelColonel
BrigadierMajor GeneralLieutenant GeneralGeneralField Marshal
Junior & Non-Commissioned ranks
PrivateLance CorporalCorporal
SergeantStaff SergeantWarrant Officer Class 2Warrant Officer Class 1