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Ken Winn

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Who He?

Question: when is a highly-decorated Major General not a highly-decorated Major General? Answer: when he’s named Ken Winn. Winn, of Lanark, is one of those rare beasts that are simply not content at walting at Sunday League level, and go large with fries in the (Scottish) Premiership.

Winn came under the ARRSE radar in April of 2012 courtesy of that fine walt-outing organ the Daily Record, but he’d apparently been up to his antics for some time; his antics being passing himself off as retired Major General Sir Kennan Winn. Winn claimed to have served for seventeen years in the Grenadier Guards and to have seen service during the Falklands Conflict, Cyprus, Northern Ireland, the Gulf War, Iraq and Afghanistan – earning an impressive KBE, DSO and a US Bronze Star in the process.

Dale Winton

Sometimes this walting business gets beyond parody. Quite how anyone was fooled by this cnut is anyone’s guess. One can only assume they have never ever encountered real Guards officers – never mind one of Two Star rank. Winn probably – and quite erroneously – believed that a comedy tan (and one that would put Dale Winton on the back foot) would convince people that he’d been out in ‘Ganners’ keeping an eye on ‘his lads’, whereas in reality, everyone knows that tans mark one out as a ‘damned ranker’. All the signs were there: claims of top secret missions and working in the highest echelons of the Ministry of Defence etc. Oh, and that ol’ chestnut – the French Foreign Legion. Quite how he fitted this all in with all the other action is anyone’s guess. But give people enough rope etc.

Titanic Bollocks

Winn dropped one titanic bollock when he lobbed in a damages claim for £1 million after an industrial accident on an access platform. Quite what a distinguished former Guards officer was doing up scaffolding (or whatever) has not been clarified, but one would have thought his substantial pension would have easily covered the bill for a bunch of slovenly working class types doing the menial tasks? An investigation ensued and the wheels popped off quicker than a pit crew at Silverstone could ever hope to better.

‘Where there’s blame there’s a claim’ goes the old adage, but in Winn’s case it was the other way 'round and he was quickly discovered to be nothing more than a feelthy, steenking walt! When quizzed by journalists, Sir Anthony Regents-Park, Artificer Conductor-Major of the Grenadier Guards admitted that he had ‘never heard of the cnut!’ though did vaguely remember someone called Kenneth Winn-Pope who ‘was an absolute twat and still owes me a tenner!’

Bangers

To Winn’s credit, he was (supposedly) boffing (and ripping off in more ways than one) some filthy-looking milfy type who – as ARRSEr ‘panzerknacker’ subtly pointed out – did indeed have ‘a fair set of bangers on her’. Not to Winn’s credit, however, was the (by now predictable) fund-raising activities he appeared to relish – including Help for Heroes. Raising funds for who exactly? Naughty old Ken.

Ripping off vulnerable women with big chebs is also naughty, and not quite in keeping with the very model of a modern Major General. Bizarrely it turns out that Winn was (possibly) a former lance jack - and ripping off birds and scamming is (somewhat ironically) completely within the remit of that position. Exactly what outfit Winn served in has yet to be established, but odds on it’s ACC – especially as he might turn out to be ‘batting for Middlesex’ as it were. It is under investigation... probably.

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