The ARRSEPedia is the British Army encyclopedia that anyone can edit.

Johnny 'Three Bollocks' McKenzie

From ARRSEpedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Johnny 'Three Bollocks'

A legendary figure within the regiment, Johnny acquired his nickname due to a peculiar birth defect that left him with one testicle too many. Along with being born both bald and ginger, Johnny had spackky feet and his childhood was subsequently tough. It stood him in good stead for what was to come.

Born in 1965 and raised on a dog-rough estate in the Yorkshire town of Hull, McKenzie failed miserably academically, but flourished in anything that involved physical endurance. Once old enough, he joined the local ACF detachment and from then on his future was secured.

Oddly, Johnny joined the RAF Regiment, but soon realised that spending his entire service career on stag was not for him and he opted to try for selection with 'Them'.

Johnny passed the course with flying colours and was the only candidate to ever complete Test Week on a Biff Chit in flip flops. Legendary Training Wing supremo Lofty Wiseman himself said 'Johnny is feckin' nails and a credit to both chiropody and the regiment!'

Within weeks, McKenzie was in the Falklands slotting Argies and it was here that his exploits passed in to folklore after his third testicle was partly severed by a sniper's bullet. In agony, Johnny dropped his kecks in full view of enemy positions and, under fire, bit through the bloody gristle. Horrified conscripts watched as the incensed trooper then threw his severed bollock in to a nearby fire trench and bayoneted the terrified occupants. Soon after this, white flags were seen over Stanley.

Now reduced to the 1098 issue two spuds, Johnny nevertheless retained his nickname for posterity and members of the regiment used to throw faggots on to the rugby pitch at H whenever Johnny - a regimental Blue - scored a try.

Johnny regularly scored in other areas and was a regular visitor to the (now legendary) all night parties at the flat above the doctor's surgery.

It was at this time that Johnny met Lucy who was to become his first wife. Lucy eventually became president of the Wive's Club and her tastes were instrumental in the great Boathouse refurb of 1986 - where her lace-trimmed curtains transformed the establishment. They soon divorced.

It was at this time when Johnny fell foul of the law, when on returning to his native Hull for a spot of well-deserved leave, he embarked on a killing spree in revenge for his years of childhood misery - his former tormentors dying in a hail of 9mm.

However, his reputation preceded him and so invaluable were his services to the regiment that he was quickly released after receiving a DCM and serving just twenty-eight days. He left the regiment shortly after.


It was around this time that McKenzie met ex-Special Forces author Cyril Clunge who advised him to take up the pen. Like all self-respecting ex-SAS soldiers, McKenzie quickly realised the merits of such actions and capitalised on his exploits to the full and penned Excursion to Hull, which detailed his murderous binge in graphic - almost sickening - detail.

McKenzie and Clunge remain firm friends and McKenzie was written in to Clunge's seminal Alpha Two Zero in a cameo role. Johnny is now retired from soldiering but acts as a special advisor to security companies, overseas agencies and the Medway Military Vehicle Group.

Excursion to Hull is available direct from Clunge Publishing at £16.99 or from the 49 Para PRI Shop at Maiwand Barracks.