The British Military Open Encyclopedia - ARRSE-Pedia. Back to British Army Rumour Service Home

Jade Goody

From ARRSEpedia
Jump to: navigation, search
jade4.jpg
You mean I is dead? WAAAAH!

Mong

Porcine vituperous mong, and living proof that no matter how much paint, varnish or polish that one could possibly lavish upon a turd, at the day's closure it is still a turd - despite one's best efforts to disguise it otherwise.

Goody is quite phenomenal. Just how the evolutionary process has bypassed this individual is uncertain, but for such a pitiful creature to have enough brain capacity to actually breathe (and to remember to keep doing so to survive) is quite staggering. Some experts, however, are not so sure that she was bypassed: creatures evolve into niches in an eco-structure - and Goody fits New Labour's dumbed down, yob society like a weasel fits inside his own fur!

Where There's Muck

Even more staggering is that this moron has somehow managed to amass a fortune reputedly worth £8 million - subsequently losing most of it. Quite how a brain dead hairdresser from London who is so fucking ignorant of anything outside of 'her' exceptionally narrow awareness envelope managed this is unclear. What is clear, however, is that the fat lady delivered what we thought was her final encore and der partei ist most definitely über!

Goody made the fatal mistake of opening her mouth in the only way she knew how: loudly and ineloquently. Whilst such outpourings are commonplace around this sceptic isle on Friday & Saturday nights, what isn't commonplace is doing so in front of 6 million television viewers - and doing so to an individual of ethnic origin to boot. The ultimate taboo in Bliar's Britain.

Wandsworth

The British don't hate success, but they do reserve a special disdain for successful idiots, and true to form, if you give these cnuts enough rope, they will inevitably string themselves up. Unfortunately for her, hippocrocogrillamus Goody's nasty tirade was directed towards an extremely gracious and extremely fit Hindu - and whilst this seemed to have done the trick of undoing her fortune (especially as her perfume manufacturers were based in India), it was just a crying shame that the object of her ire wasn't a Muslim.

This would've been the perfect ending to the fairytale: the Wandsworth branch of Hezbollah torching the Goody gaff with the lovely Jade and her equally perfidious mother inside. I think they'd have done the nation a favour!

Goody was responsible for what was, quite possibly, Jeremy Clarkson's finest ever put down, when he described Goody as 'a racist, pig-faced, waste of blood and organs!' on the popular Top Gear programme - to rapturous applause. If JC says it, then any remaining benefit-of-the-doubt over the munter's trappily bigoted intentions sort of wither away. She has also been referred to in the tabloid press as 'The Dim Reaper'.

Attributes

Without doubt, Jade's ONLY attribute is the possession of a truly stupendous pair of chebs. She also scrubs up reasonably well... sort of... in a 300 yards through a night scope after ten pints of Wifebeater sort of way. She could possibly suck-start a Four Tonner with her gob - which in itself opens up all manner of twisted fantasies. Best stop there on that one.

What starts with J and ends with C?

In August 2008, Jade - whilst appearing on the Indian version of Big Brother (Big Boss) as an apology for all the 'racism' (which was basically fuck all blown out of all proportion) - was diagnosed with cervical cancer. After her plumbing was whipped out (thankfully NOT on TV) it was found that the cancer had spread into other areas... of East London I assume.

As of February 2009 the cancer was diagnosed as terminal and she has about 6-8 weeks left. She is attempting to make as much money as possible in her last days 'for her children' so her last days will be documented minute by minute on Sky, ITV, BBC, Hello, OK, Setanta pay per view and in the Essex Train Spotters Weekly.

Despite her impending demise, Jade has decided to tie the knot with her boyfriend, Jack Tweed, who's slammed up for 18 months after attacking a 16-year-old boy with a golf club. [Quality drills that man!] Jack's being let out of chokey on special dispensation for the great day. He's obviously not marrying her for her brain and looks, but what remains of her fortune might possibly be some incentive to the old lag

It would be in the worst possible taste to run a dead pool to see who can guess her expiry date... which means that there will be 3 different scratch cards, a lottery Powerball draw and numerous office pools in effect as of Monday 16th Feb. You might find one here.

Our pain is finally over...

Jade finally died on 22nd of March (Mothers Day) 2009. She leaves behind 2 children; a violent ex- and current con husband; a junky, one armed, bigoted mother as well as 5 accountants; 15 publicists; Max Clifford and millions of broken hearted chavs. Whither Jade becomes the first chav saint remains to be seen.

Note: Gordon Brown said he was "deeply saddened" by the news of Goody's death. He cheered up considerably however when he considered the 40% Inheritance Tax he had just helped himself to on the £4 million Goody managed to leave to her kids.

... Except for this bit

FINALLY on 4th April 2009 they planted her. Details of the chavved up funeral can be found here but be aware that good taste was sorely missing for this dead Dead Diana like event. Lets hope the Daily Express doesn't feel the need to plaster this one all over pages 1-30 EVERY anniversary ie 1 month, 3 months, 6 months, 1 year etc.

Buy your Jade Goody memorial candle here just £3.99 plus £1 p&p innit!

ARRSE ALERT

After looking at the following picture you may want to burn your eyes out with a red hot poker. OK... but you have been warned!


jadegoody7.jpg