Pirouetting wildly like a ballerina on smack, the roaring twister that is the Clunge machine spits out yet another winner as it continues to tear across the lush landscape of action literature. Essentially a prequel (of sorts) to the 2011 Clunge best-seller Scare Plane, Indesit Proposal (2012) takes the reader into the murky world of private military contracting, piracy and high-end white goods. The book is basically a vehicle for ex-Special Forces soldier ‘Big Bill’ McChampion and his elite team of maritime security operators on board a tanker in the Indian Ocean – a vessel laden with several thousand tons of Liquid Petroleum Gas and ripe for the picking.
‘This is the life, eh Bill?’ chuckled ‘Mad Mick. The pair were sunning themselves on the deck of the 120,000 ton Bukakke Maru – a Japanese registered LPG tanker two weeks out of Osaka. ‘It most certainly is my shiny-arsed friend!’ retorted Bill, referring to his colleague’s former career as a clerk in the AGC. ‘It’s money for old rope. Who’s going to take a pop at this beast? All we’ve got to do is get bronzy and pick up the wages when this bugger docks in Karachi. Then jump on the kite to Heathrow and job jobbed!’ He had a point. Anyone firing on (what was basically) a floating bomb risked everything for nothing and if the ship went up then it was ENDEX for all concerned. No, nobody would be that insane, surely?
‘Big Bill’ was aptly-named: a veritable man-mountain. Bill’s claim to fame was to have accidentally passed SAS selection whilst visiting Hereford as an Army Cadet on Summer Camp. So impressed were the Directing Staff that he was immediately badged there and then, becoming the youngest ever member of the elite regiment. His life had been a roller coaster of action and excitement ever since.
The ship’s klaxon suddenly sounded and Bill and Mick raced up the gangway towards the bridge. ‘What’s up?’ demanded Big Bill. The usually unwavering captain looked perturbed. ‘Fast-moving contact at seventy degrees – closing fast.’ Indeed it was, within two minutes a high-powered forty footer was drawing alongside and the natives weren’t looking very friendly. Bill and Mick found themselves looking down the barrels of several heavy machine guns. ‘Shit, we didn’t even have time to break out the gats. What are we going to do?’ Glancing around the bridge, Big Bill hit upon an idea. ‘That fridge, what’s in it? Never mind, it’s just the job.’ Bill dragged the beast across the bridge towards the exit.
By now, the boat-load of choggies were looking even fiercer and were jibbering away in their unintelligible tongue. They were obviously expecting a rope ladder to come cascading over the side. What they weren’t expecting was an Indesit Frostmaster 5000 to come bombing towards them. As white goods went, the Frostmaster 5000 was the top of the range choice and they weren’t cheap, but needs must.
The quarter-ton appliance easily smashed through upper deck of the niggers’ boat and proceeded to smash through the keel leaving a hole you could drive a car through before it plunged to the dark ocean depths. The boat went down like a stone too leaving its errant crew thrashing about in the water.
‘Er ya go!’ said Mick handing Bill his Diemaco C7 assault rifle. ‘Finish the fuckers off, eh?’ Bill smiled and instantly transformed the by now screaming humanity in to a bloody mess in a frenzied stream of well-aimed 5.56mm hell, laughing uncontrollably as he did so. ‘That’ll fookin’ learn ‘em.’ chortled Mick as rapidly gathering sharks fed eagerly on the shredded gore. ‘And that fridge is coming out of your wages.’ laughed the captain. Bill smiled. ‘Now where’s that beer?’ ‘At the bottom of the oggin by now I would imagine.’ laughed the captain. He really was a funny cunt.
Eager to please his readership, Clunge trawls the ocean depths of believability with his latest actioner whilst cleverly utilising household appliance product placement into the bargain – a technique that’s yet to make its mark in the world of action literature. That said, Indesit Proposal will doubtless become a favourite amongst Clunge fans.
- Superb – Household Appliance Review
- Bloody marvellous – Argos