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Home Secretary

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The Home Secretary is a shortened title for The Secretary of State for the Home Department. This is the government minister in charge of the UK Home Office and is probably either the second or third top job in the government.

The Home Secretary is responsible for internal affairs in England and Wales, and for immigration and citizenship for the whole of the United Kingdom (England, Scotland, Wales, and Northern Ireland). So if you have a problem with policing, national security, immigration or matters of citizenship ... you end up dealing with these F'ers.

Recently this department was deemed not fit for purpose although to be honest exactly how it differs from the rest of the UK government has to be extremely minor.

Current holder of the title and responsibility is Teresa May.

In recent years notable labour politicians have carried off this job with aplomb and ... err ... style:

  • David Blunkett: Had bunk up with hot but married spam publisher and then fast tracked the spam publishers nanny's application for citizenship. Resigned.
  • Charles Clark: Although in charge when thousands of murderers, sex offenders and estate agents were released from prison without being deported, he was sacked because of poor Labour performance in the 2006 local council elections.
  • John Reid: vowed to make the public feel safe by removing many of our inherent freedoms bugging our email/phones and watching us 24/7. Quit the job when Tony Blair fecked off to make more money promoting 'peace' and religious understanding rather than starting wars.
  • Jacqui Smith: Notable for cannabis smoking, acting like Stasi high command, requiring armed police protection to go down the kebab shop and claiming 23k a year for living one day a week in her sisters back room AS WELL AS charging the UK taxpayer for her husbands grot. Resigned from the post come the reshuffle in June 2009 in order to spend more time with her accountant and lawyers pending a private prosecution for her expenses fraud.
  • Alan Johnson: Last labour hard man in the Home Office. Has decided Swine flu is a bigger threat to Britain than terrorism so all pigs in the UK will be issued ID cards and have their DNA stored on a Danish database.