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Health and Safety

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Killjoy is here! Whether it be conker-playing kids in welders' masks & wiring gauntlets, or the removal of hanging baskets from Bury St Edmunds town centre to prevent someone 'having their eye out', H&S is here to stay. Christmas lights now have to be put up in July, because it takes so bloody long to do due to every single nut, bolt and bulb having to be stress or fire checked. Some councils don't even bother to take them down. Some councils don't even bother full stop, because Christmas is offensive to... you know who.

The Women's Institute can't even sell cakes at village fetes anymore, because each buttered scone has to have a council official testing it for E Coli. So don't even think of donating that cake to charidee, as the local hospice for the terminally ill will have to pay for an independent risk assessor to test the cake - thus bankrupting them and forcing closure - and all the liddle children go to the work house.

Quite often the H&S Obergruppenfuhrers don't actually care about the dangerous activity you want to do: naked abseiling, Murder Ball, Shinty, two-handed sword fighting, bacon-covered frizbee throwing in Blackburn etc. They just want to make sure no-one can sue the council/government when it goes Tits Up.

H&S risk assessments have to be done on everything these days, except government policy - notably Iraq and Afghanistan. A half decent Risk Assessment would've prevented all the tears.

Health & Safety can be variously defined as:

  • How to stop lackwits blowing themselves up/injuring themselves/others/animals such as "What do you mean health and safety say I can't throw this smoke grenade in to that fuel spillage container full of AVTUR in case I injure someone?"
  • The government catch all solution to stop anyone having any fun at all such as "What do you mean health and safety say I can't throw this smoke grenade into the open window of that accommodation block in case I injure someone - they left it open!"
  • Bleeding obvious instructions on equipment and packaging: "Do not pour boiling water over testicles", "Do not place testicles in spinning turbine blades", "Do not place penis in this woman", "May contain nuts" (on a packet of nuts), "Caution Chlamydia", etc.