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Traditional Gypsy dancer

Ah, the open road. Free to roam wherever and whenever. Cheery folk who'll tarmac your driveway and maybe even sell you a sprig of lucky heather - you'll need it. In fact, you'll need more than luck if this bunch of cnuts pitch up on your doorstep. It's safe to say that your life - and everyone else's' within a ten mile radius - will be totally ruined.

The term 'gypsy' is another one of those words that's been bastardised, and thus the picture of just who these 'people' are is quite confusing. It's generally accepted that old style Romanies were/are an affable bunch who pretty much kept themselves to themselves - and (as hard as it is to envisage) actually played a useful part in local communities.

Unfortunately, hoards of Irish travellers have totally destroyed their image, and they're now lumped in with the other scum. The word 'traveller' is confusing too, as it's difficult (for us anyway) to understand why a 'culture' that 'travels' feels it necessary to buy up vast tracts of farmland (or indeed simply acquire through occupation), concrete over it, and then live on it... permanently.

And what a joy to behold their encampments are! Dozens of caravans clustered together, mounds of filth, burned-out (invariably stolen) cars and the obligatory brace of tatty, forlorn nags that even the RSPCA would write off as a lost cause. Rest assured, when these cnuts pitch up, the pound signs will drop off your property portfolio like a melting glacier.

Traditional bunch of Pikeys

It gets better. Now the EU have given these 'people' ethnic status (yeah, I know) they now have carte blanche to be even more unsociable and anarchic than they were previously. The local police will not touch them with a barge pole. In fact the local police are more likely to spend thousands of Council Tax payer's money on a diversity DVD - to illustrate to the beleaguered communities just what a cheery, misunderstood bunch the gypsies really are. You think I'm kidding on this?

Indeed. In 2006 Northern Constabulary went one better and swore in Britain's first gypsy Special Constable in Fort William. A bold move which, doubtless, ticked a plethora of Diversity and Equal Opportunities boxes for them. Alas, 'twas not to be, and in October 2007 said constable has had to resign after appearing in court three times within the course of one week - and not in the good, "I was proceeding in a northerly direction when.....," way. No, this was in the, breach-of -the-peace, drink-fuelled, berserk, prisoner-at-the-bar way (although just how this behaviour differs from that of any other denizen of Fort William may be debatable). Sentence (as at this edit) has been deferred, and the now ex-constable in question is miffed because, "...the police should have backed me up better." Unfair dismissal, anyone?

You couldn't make it up. These lawless cnuts have the amazing ability to turn a sleepy rural idyll in to a war zone - and they're coming to a village green near you! You have been warned.

Irony Sweet Irony

In what can only be described as one of the funniest things I've ever seen, 64 gypsies set up camp just yards from the country home of Tessa Jowell. It seems the cheeky tinkers secretly bought the Warwickshire site a year ago, but waited until the Easter break (2008) knowing the council would be on holiday.

And in a frenzy of activity - that you would never see from these lazy cnuts if you were paying them - within just 48 hours they had water supplies, electricity cables, fences and hardcore bases for 16 permanent caravan homes in place.

However don't count out Tessa, as she's evicted gypsies before - from Newham and Hackney, East London - to prepare for the 2012 Olympic Games. Pound to a penny that if this case ever comes to court it will be funded by Johnny Taxpayer, and the lawyers will be laughing their cocks off. Irony indeed.