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Global Warming

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Nooooo!

'Global Warming' is a relatively recent phenomenon, though the Earth has been warming up since the last Ice Age. Quite a few tree-huggers decided in the late 1980s that this was down to mankind and all the fun things he liked doing; such as driving fast cars, cooling beers in refrigerators, exploding nuclear weapons. You get the picture. If it was fun, it was bad, and therefore it should be stopped.

A lot of governments signed the Kyoto Protocol in 1997, as this enabled them to tax a lot of fun things. The United States did not sign it because they decided that they rather enjoyed driving cars that go really fast and get crappy gas mileage. A lot of rednecks like keeping their beer cool in Louisiana as well, so it would have been a bad idea for any US politician to sign up for it.

Global Warming has also given lots of local government officials the perfect excuse to implement a whole raft of rules and regulations in an effort to criminalise everyone in the country - a phenomenon seemingly unique to the UK. Of consequence, anyone not offsetting their Carbon Footprint by planting a tree every time they fly to Glasgow, or Recycling the wrong stuff in the wrong Wheelie Bin on the wrong day is liable to sixteen years in Parkhurst and fines of up to £20,000,000... in weekly instalments.

Recently, it was discovered that Global Warming was not in fact happening. This made a lot of tree-huggers and governments unhappy, so they changed the name to 'Climate Change' in order to stop people having fun and keep on taxing them.

A few facts to astound your local tree-hugger down the pub:

  • All the planets in the Solar System are warming up, and you don't see too many Humvees on Jupiter.
  • Roman soldiers grew vines on the southern facing side of Hadrians Wall.
  • Hitler demanded that U-Boat blankets were made from a renewable source.
  • Idi Amin was the first leader of the world to install solar power panels on a public building in Uganda.
  • Joe Stalin used to choke anyone who didn't believe that CFCs cause a hole in the ozone layer.

Besides, even if Global Warming turns out to be true, who is going to complain if the UK gets a climate more like Barbados? At least then we can enjoy a smoke in the Beer Garden without catching hypothermia!