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English Channel

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Body of water that, until very recently, has prevented this Sceptred Isle from becoming inundated with filthy foreign swine for nigh on a millennium. Oh how they have tried. William the Conqueror achieved it, but only because he invaded on a Wednesday afternoon (probably). But both Napoleon Bonaparte and Adolf Hitler failed miserably - in part due to the (pre-defence review) Royal Navy and the (pre-leaked e-mail) RAF - who, despite recent publicity, weren't quite so bloody useless in 1940 as they (allegedly) are today.

Cue the fall of the Berlin Wall and the ascendancy of the (Fucking) European Union, who, in their infinite wisdom, decided to tear down all borders and frontiers - thus allowing the aforementioned filthy foreign devils to travel unchecked from the shores of the Bosphorus to Calais. Marvellous! Add to this a fucking... wait for it... tunnel, and Bob's yer Heinkel. No longer do the invading hoards have to dress up as nuns to thwart our defences, they merely turn up at Folkstone and wait for their benefit cheques and council houses. Cnuts!

Next step, Single European Currency. Enjoy!


  • (Note to author: Ever considered pulling that copy of The Daily Mail out of your arsehole?)
  • Seemed like a fair review of the current situation to me.
  • There's nothing 'seeming' about it. Go and have a look!