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Capital of Scotland (Jockland to the FEB's). This is where the voluptuous Beanz lives. Also home to such dubious hostelries as CC Bloom's. It isnae Glesca! If you think that Jocks are chippy about the English, wait until you see the East-West divide in action.

On a military note is home to HQ 2nd Division, HQ 52 Infantry Brigade, HQ 51 (Scottish) Brigade and a couple of Regular Infantry Battalions quartered in Dreghorn and Redford Barracks. The recently renovated Glencorse Barracks in Milton Bridge (a few miles south of Edinburgh on the A702) holds a third Regular Infantry Battalion.

Has a big castle that fires a light gun every day at 1pm. With a little adjustment in direction and round selection: a 105mm HE round could be lobbed daily into Granton (think Chavs-ville) reducing the number of giros cashed that week, number of sovereign rings bought, grannies mugged and future Neds conceived.

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