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A bat and ball game for two teams of 11 gentlemen, a couple of umpires and an audience who are mostly doing other things (i.e. reading the Times, doing the crossword, having a pint, sunbathing, playing drums etc).

Invented in England, it is a sport almost entirely unsuitable for play in England or by the English:

  • It is a game that requires dry, bright weather for the entire length of the game (up to 5 days) and how often (before the days of global warming) do you see a British summer stay dry for that long?
  • It requires good hand-eye coordination, something that the English seem to lack based of recent performances.
  • Foreigners (from various parts of the Empire) seem very much better at this game than the English. This being a bit of a slap in the face to the English supremacy crowd who (to a man) love cricket. Especially galling when malnutritioned Asians are spanking their bowling and Aussies are being a bit lippy.
  • The English press take defeat so very very badly trotting out endless lists of why we were robbed (as in the recent Ashes whitewash of England by Australia). Vague allegations of cheating by their opponents are never far away.
  • Its bad form to concuss or injure your opponent by bowling the ball at his body or head. This has been done in the past (Bodyline) but today its not on especially as England doesn't have any decent fast bowlers. Expect underarm bowling to be mandatory if English bowling gets any worse. Bowling at the head seems a perfectly reasonable tactic to me especially if you hate the Pommie bastards / Baggie green convicts!
  • Stopping for tea is a mandatory break in the afternoon. This seems a bit unfair given that the players must stand in an open field in full view of the audience for hours and that British summers can be chilly and likely to get at your bladder. It is not unusual to see players with unusual lumps in their trousers which they fiddle with. This is a catheter and bottle so they can go wee on the field.

Full matches (called Tests) last 5 days if played to the full time period ... called Tests mainly as its a test of your endurance to sit in a chair without going to the toilet in the unlikely event that something exciting happens while you are gone ... there being no instant replay screens at grounds.

One day matches are the equivalent to gateway drugs ... you think you can just dip in with no fear of addiction ... and next thing you know your talking 'silly mid ons' with a bloke in the pub called Gerald and keeping score.

The best way to waste five days of your life is to sit through a Test match between England and Australia at Lord's with a plentiful supply of beer especially as England will lose ... probably in an embarrassing way OR it will rain.