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British Forces Broadcasting Service

The MoD clearly has a Care in the Community remit to employ the sort of people who would have no hope in the cutthroat mainstream of their vocations. BFBS is run by the sort of people who ran the school newsletter into the ground. It wouldn't be so bad but one jab of the remote control brings you News24 or Sky who offer broadcasting without the garish colours or appalling mispronunciation (usually). BFBS is therefore a broadcasting relic and an expensive one at that.

Most commonly a witless clique of fools who clog up any deployed mess owing to their 'officer status'. Tell long stories about fobbing off the advances of virile officers yet have all the sexual allure of a wet sock. Following types have been observed:

  • Enthusiastic volunteer presenter. Generally a narcissist who takes to the air like a duck to water and is convinced that it is his future. Plays good cross section of music and becomes a jinglemeister spending every available hour in the studio (because it has aircon). Fails miserably to break in to mainstream broadcasting upon termination of service and ends up as a trolley mong in Tesco's carpark.
  • Fat artless idiot who is clearly Radio 1 potential if it weren't for his altruistic desire to support 'our boys'. Appalling taste in music owes a lot to Michael Jackson but adds a smattering of Coldplay to maintain cool status. Becomes utter pain during CSE shows but is too fat to fit in inevitable 'pose' helicopter. Big fan of double 'thumbs up' gesture for cameras but blissfully unaware that his listening audience is practically zero.
  • Whinging woman with face designed for the wireless. Cannot understand link between promiscuity and scant regard from fellow mess members. Owner of tedious anecdotes about how popular she was in Falklands. Proud owner of 'hubby' but somehow discards loyalties in face of Baileys and attention. Actually a spy for Mossad but needs to get roots done.
  • Reedy Engineer. In mortal danger of being jumped by whinging woman but spends so much time on Internet that his virginity is assured. Slightly intimidated by Officers Mess but makes up for this by copiously vomiting in front of one-star on one night he chooses to get drunk. Spends rest of tour in hermit-like blushing shame. Shrivelled appearance suggests frequent masturbation.
  • Boss and mess bore. Makes Geoff Hoon look like Shaft. Broadcasting career now in tatters but still pins down 60k a year by 'deploying' to Bosnia and other sunshine tours but won't volunteer for Iraq. Body odour artiste. Finds curries dangerously cosmopolitan.

BFBS have one useful purpose. All their music is on MP3 player format. Find a pioneer or befriend one and copy all 200GB of their music. Trim off all the Neil Sedaka and Carpenters and you have a pretty respectable music collection to listen to in the gym.