Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by stoatman, Jul 9, 2009.

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  1. Trust the crazy sexy dutch...

    A couple of years ago, a private (1st class) with 5 years experience in the Dutch army, who was training to be an underofficer at the under officer school was fired for "zwaffellen".

    Zwaffellen (v), to hit an object or person with the penis

    Our chap and his little chap had been the subject of a written complaint from a soldier of his platoon for "unwanted behaviour and damaging and befouling of property related to five colleagues". A prolific zwaffeller, was he.

    He confessed as such to the military police -- he clearly stated that he had zwaffelled multiple times, including in the barracks room with soldier "C", and in the classroom before a maths lesson.

    He appealed his sacking as disproportional, and his defence was roughly as follows:

    His behaviour should not be qualified as delinquency. Zwaffelling is only unwanted behaviour if others are confronted with it against their will, which in his case was not the case ( keen for it they are). In any case, zwaffelling is a very common occurrence in the Dutch military, and conditions at the barracks had led to such behaviour, and 3 other zwaffelling soldiers had not been fired.

    The appeal board agreed with our chap and his little chap.

    I'm sure many of us have zwaffelled after having imbibed one too many beers -- but our chap appears to have been sober at the time, which is highly, highly suspicious....

    Is this phenomenon restricted to the crazy, sexy dutch? Or have the boys of the British Army been zwaffelling their way around the world for centuries without even knowing what it was legally called?
  2. What a great word! I demand we adopt it into the English language immediately.

    To Zwaffle!
    To engage in Zwaffling!
    "Bugger me.... i've been Zwaffled"!

    Love it.... i intend to rush home right now and try it on the dog!
  3. Is zwaffling a common precursor to anal sex?
  4. It is now! lol

    I've only got a Jack Russel though! Hmmmm.... have to wrap him in black nasty to stop him splitting! :puker:
  5. It certainly appears to be in certain films of the "jazz" variety, particularly when the lead actor is trying to attain sufficient turgidity from his recalcitrant, flaccid member to attain entry onto B-range.

    That is, however, an example of professional zwaffelling, and we are here concerned with the amateur variety that is liable to get one sacked if one does it to the Queen's mount while she is inspecting the troops.
  6. We should deffo adopt this word. Zebra has had a long run as the word to describe Z in children's dictionaries but it's time for change.

    'U is for Umbrella'
    'V is for Vase'
    'W is for Witch'
    'X is for Xylophone'
    'Y is for Yellow'
    'Z is for Zwaffellen'
  7. Yeah, but that is the wimpy French-Canadian way out that doesn't even expose your chap to the elements.

  8. I love to go a-zwaffeling,
    Along the mountain track,
    And as I go, I love to swing,
    My todger left and right.

    My todger left and right.
  9. Good point. Amateur zwaffling is a much more interesting concept.

    It seems very popular in the Netherlands. In fact there's even a Facebook group for Zwaffelen fans.
  10. When i come home on Friday pissed,
    And the wife starts Fukkin waffling,
    Imagine how suprised she'll be,
    When she gets a damn good Zwaffling!
  11. terroratthepicnic

    terroratthepicnic LE Reviewer Book Reviewer
    1. ARRSE Runners

    I Zwaffle the wife when she is in the shower, apparently it stings, but I don't feel a thing.
  12. I thought we'd agreed last week that "F" is for Figging ? . this is getting confusing.. I'm off for a Zwaffell then a lie down..
  13. What Wordsworth should have written:

    I zwaffelled lonely as a cloud
    That faps on high agin' vales and hills,
    When all at once I saw a crowd,
    A host, of loveley zwaffellees;
    Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
    Zwaffelling and fapping in the breeze.
  14. Whilst participating on Ex Snow Queen in the 70's we were quartered in the General Oberst Beck Kaserne in Sonthofen.

    Many an evening I used to hear the sound of a strident Teutonic voice drifting across from the neighbouring block. "Hanz of ze Waffels you Schwein" was the cry. I thought at the time the Kraut Toms were breaking into the cookhouse.
  15. Biped

    Biped LE Book Reviewer

    Is repeated zwaffelling against the object of one's desire merely enthusiastic zwaffelling, or is it plain old zwanking?