Your very own gameshow!

Discussion in 'The Lamp and Sandbag II - The Tall Story Strikes B' started by Morty, Aug 14, 2006.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. Suppose you had the power to commission your very own gameshow for primetime saturday night TV, what would you do?

    Following on from a conversation t'other neet darn t'pub, I present to you, loyal Arrser's...'As the Bird Flys'.

    The format is simple: We buy the 'Skytrack' off Gladiator and position it over a purpose built replica farmyard, filled with small annimals, mongs, teletubby's, ex big brother contestents, whatever you like. We then get ex - cricket umpire extrordinare Dicky Bird fixed to the Skytrack and secure cache's of house bricks at conveniant intervals over the track.

    Viewers call in and manouver Dicky over the annimals, mongs etc in order for him to drop his missile onto it. They do this by shouting directions down the phone, 'Left, left, left, drop!' etc. The more annimals, mongs etc hit in a set time, the greater that viewers score. I'd commission it in an instant if I could.
  2. Im thinking of something including Bush, Bliar, an active volcano, and a fast down-hill race. First one to the bottom has the audience vote what item he should be given to help get off the island, ideally a boat, more likely...well....not a boat.
  3. "Ask the Badge" - contestants, who will be Chief Clerks, are subjected to intense questioning on trivia, programme of events and military pay and law. The aim is to so frustrate them that eventually they tell you to go and "ask the RSM" or "ask the RQ". At that point, depending on how many questions of absolute imbecility it took to elicit this answer, they will get a prize.
  4. You could call it 'Go With The (pyroclastic) Flow', and the prize would be fifty year old shark reppellant for the swim home through the Indian Ocean.
  5. Got another one: You find a good humoured tramp, or make yourself up an outfit as authentic as possible, the key here is the smell - as bad as you can. You then follow the tramp or pseudo - tramp around with a concealed video camera, filming his every move. The aim is to visit as many high class establisments as possible and time how long it takes the tramp or pseudo tramp to be politely asked to leave. Resteraunts are a good one, or top class clothes shops like Selfridges. The tramp or pseudo tramp with the longest time is the winner, and gets a prize.

    I call it 'The Sh*ttiest Hobo'.
  6. Give him a wad to wave at the Maitre’D, let's see if money, does indeed, talk...
  7. I'd have this Game show called "Bite the bullet"

    Where you get all the salesmen selling weapons and armour, and smoke and stuff to see if it lives up to their claims.

    So... you put the bloke from Scanfibre behind his Kevlar plate that stops a 0.5" bullet and shoot at him.

    Then you get the bloke who sells ECM to drive over an IED... the bloke with the metal detector to go through a minefield... the smoke bloke (Hi if you're reading) to survive from a sniper the full 45 seconds he promises cover etc. All with tons of clapping and witty repartie. To quote Paul Weller - (now) That's Entertainment!

    The prizes will be contracts from the MOD... but booby prizes and chicken out prizes will be tours of duty and nappies and tours on carty things round the City of London with a big signs round their necks.
  8. Great idea, however, that does mean that you would have to stand, holding a bullet with your name on it, while several people take pot shots at you firing bullets that don't have your name on them.

    Fair's fair :lol:
  9. identify whats in range stew
    winner gets an extra slice of rubber bread
  10. No Sh1t Sherlock.

    A number of contestants dressed as Sherlock Holmes have to solve a series of '3-2-1' style conundrums to win the right to do battle with Professor Moriarty (played by Zammo from Grange Hill) over the Reichenbach waterfall.

    Throughout the contest, the contestants must exist on a low-fibre diet causing them to be egg-bound; they must remain bunged up for the duration, any contestant who sh1ts themself (no access to toilets will be allowed) will be disqualified. Disqualified contestants will be escorted by Dr Watson (Konnie Huq from Blue Peter) through the walk of shame where a series of wizened old ladies prod there sh1t encrusted backside with umbrellas before they are bundled into a taxi and driven to the HQ of Droitwich Ferret Welfare for six months penal servitude.

    The winner (should they not plunge to their death in mortal combat) gets presented with a deer stalker hat, a large pipe and a year's supply of badger hair shaving brushes and ginger merkins.

    The show should be presented by Eddie the Eagle Edwards, in a tutu.
  11. Yadda, yadda,'s been done already! Now where's that idea for a show staffed and guested entirely by limbless midgets...
  12. Greased Simian Limbless Midget Race perchance?

    Greased limbless midgets are carried across a 1 km obstacle course (3 lengths of the deck) on the USS Nimitz, anchored off the breakwater in Plymouth Sound by a selection of poorly trained chimpanzees. At the end of the course the winning midget is duct taped to the under belly of a Grumman EA-6B Prowler aircraft for a whirlwind tour of the Palmerston era defensive fortifications around Plymouth.

    The losing midgets (and their chimps) are fired from the carriers' deck using steam catapults.
  13. Internal Memorandum
    Arrse TV Centre
    19 August 2006 your treatment of the "tiny torsos" idea. Not chimps though, too anthropoid - maybe macaques or gibbons?? See if Mary Chipperfield is interested and get full brief on Lord Grade's desk by 0730hrs Monday. Yours aye
  14. Bat_Crab & Cuddles: If you want ratings success you need to dumb it down with more flesh and animal costumes ie. naked midgets and lesbians (minority + controversy) in gorilla suits.

    Maybe tie it in with Armando Iannucci's Time Trumpet's 'Rape an Ape' and Alan Partridge's 'Monkey Tennis'.

    You're very welcome to donate my cut to my favorite charities 'Kids with no legs' and 'Wankers for Justice'
  15. A cheque is on its way to your favourite charity "Just for *******".