Your thoughts on bunny boiler

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by filthyphil, Oct 17, 2005.

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  1. Calling all arrsers, my work colleague George (not his real name, which is actually Dave) has asked my advice on dumping his girlfriend. She is obsessed with the idea of getting married to have kids and play happy families. He is obsessed with beer and cheap sex. She wants him to forego Saturday nights at the pub to spend "quality time" with her. Her idea of quality time is going to her friends places to watch their wedding videos and look at wedding photos. He tells me that she is not a good looker, and sex with her is worse than watching re-runs of Neighbours. She does not drink, and lives with her mother. George\Dave has planned a long holiday overseas, she is not aware of this. His dilemma is to let her down gently as she is obsessive,and is definitely a front runner for bunny-boiler of the year. I have told my colleague that a post on arrse will solve all of lifes problems, as helpful, sensitive and tactful advice is only a keyboard away. Gentlemen, please proceed to enlighten him.
  2. Your friend you say. Mmmmmmm. Interesting dilema you erm er your friend is in.
  3. All true, old chap, I'm married for starters.
  4. Personally, Phil, I'd recommend that your mate slopes off abroad quietly, without telling the bint. This will give you the opportunity to make a move on her, something George/Dave will hardly complain about. You could tell her he's been called up to help out Henno in some sandy adventure, and you've no idea if he'll survive.

    She sounds like a corker. Go on, you know you want to.
  5. Despite the fact that we are both non-Brit and non-military, she might be stupid enough to fall for it.
  6. Ah, but that's the cunning part! Haven't you read B20 & the gazillion other THEM books? Every troop of THEM has at least one Aussie / Kiwi / Bok. (The Aussie is ALWAYS called "Digger" so you may need to add to the confusion by calling George / Dave "Digger". In fact, call him all 3 names, then you look as if you're accidentally ‘outing’ his legend). & you know that THEY never tell anyone that THEY are one of THEM, so the fact that your Dorii don’t know that you’re in the military just means that your cover is excellent!

    Prior to his trip, you & he need to go out at random occasions, most of them preceded by a hushed phone call with a lot of "Yes Boss". Make sure you come back a little dirty (dust & dirt, not reeking of alcohol with vomit down your front) with a cling-film wrapped turd. You also need to say “Outrageous” a lot.

    A couple of days after he leaves, you need to visit the Bunny Boiler. Take with you one of the many Telic pictures from the ARRSE gallery of a blerk in a suitably warry pose (hopefully George / Dave / Digger isn’t missing a limb or has any other obvious distinguishing features) but black out his entire face with marker pen. You should also have with you a typed “If you’re reading this…” letter, a shemagh and (if you can get your hands on one) a sand-colour beret. Hand her these items and with a solemn face say: “You must be very proud.”

    I think that this will work! :D
  7. Dozy,

    Do you sort out the Foriegn offices little problems? That was brillant!!! I wonder if you cou......... :)
  8. George/Dave has told her it's off, apparently.
    The poor girl didn't take it well. See here

  9. maninblack

    maninblack LE Book Reviewer

    If she is a homeloving bunny boiler how did he get into porking her in the first place?

    Bad skills, needs retraining.
  10. As my Grandmother once said - "A skiff a day sends the boiler away" sage advice and worth considering.

    If, having a sh1t smeared top lip everyday for a fortnight doesn't get the message across he should scream "You fat fcuk - die in a fire*" every time she opens her gob, follwed by a swift kick in the c unt.

    *Stolen from MDN on an earlier thread, why resort to reasoned argument when you can shout this at someone!
  11. All this side stepping - just tell her when you are on the way to the airport, switch phone off and be done with it! Why invest more time than necessary if all you want us to be rid! Little point really.
  12. Tell her you have found your other side and are 'coming out' as you cannot live a lie any longer! and walk away,no need to say 'coming out' as what just leave it to her imagination,worked for my mate no probs!.........till his ex put it around that he was a lonely 'gay' and was besieged by half the gay community in his area,got abit sticky to say the least.
    Or try 'Dear Dumpsville,population YOU.Bye Bye' and take any consequences like a man!!
  13. Bad call. The dappy mare will probably delude herself into thinking she's in a real-life "Will & Grace" situation- gay ex-boyf becomes "bezzer" to neurotic woman. She'll still want to move in and at some point will want to be artificially inseminated by him. Hence "Dave" will find himself living with her and sireing her spawn (the very thing he's trying to avoid), but won't be getting any from anyhwere, because it's hard to maintain the legend of a chutney ferret with other birds coming over to stay the night, in full view of the ex.

    So, here's my plan. Get third mate/stooge, (we'll call him "Steve") to shag bunny boiler either just before he goes away. "Dave" "finds out", dumps her with an air of righteous indignation and says hehas to get away for a while to 'clear his head' (and fill his boots). "Dave" changes his phone number on his return because he "just can't deal with the betrayal and violation of trust" etc. (you know, the usual crap that women come up with when you've been caught with your pants down- ahem :oops: anyways...) She has breakdown and won't have the front to stalk him because "Dave" has caught her, bang to rights, on the sort of things (trust etc.) that this type of crazy is invariably harping on about ad nauseum.
  14. But whatever you/your mate end up doing, don't forget to reward those who helped you out in your hour of need.

    Photos would go down a treat, too.
  15. Tell him I'm available for cheap sex...

    ***All sessions come with free lube***