Your Personal

#1
Have been reading some of the other places on here and became intrigued with the lonely hearts threads. Added to that a friend showed me her ad she has placed on a personals site and well me being me, well ... I had to write one didn't I?

Below is what I'd have to say, what would YOU write IF you were looking?

Just to make it more fun we can score each others efforts :D

******************************************

I'm 38, 5'1", curvy, happily single and more fun than a box of frogs. I'm NOT looking for that special someone who is going to steal my breath away and make my knees give, although if that happens I shall give fair warning so you can join the witness protection scheme. What I AM looking for is something very, very vaguely approximating a relationship but without all the boring bits like laundry, shopping and commitment. I think the term is 'F. Buddy' A nice bit of regular NSA fun. I'm not up for a half hour romp on the back seat, nor a quick fumble between appointments.

So if you are an articulate guy with a sense of humour who is ready to pick up the baton, email me a little about yourself and we'll see how it goes. You can even include a pic if you're feeling confident ... just nothing smutty because it will only make me giggle.

Married guys need not reply.

Handcuffs optional.

Own teeth a must.
 
#2
*********************************

I fuck for food/White Lightning.

No hawkers/Jeovahs Witnesses or members of the Labour Party need apply.

Will pick up from the train station

*********************************
 
#3
Valks said:
I'm 38, 5'1", curvy, happily single and more fun than a box of frogs. I'm I think the term is 'F. Buddy' A nice bit of regular NSA fun. I'm not up for a half hour romp on the back seat, nor a quick fumble between appointments.

So if you are an articulate guy with a sense of humour who is ready to pick up the baton, email me a little about yourself and we'll see how it goes.

Married guys need not reply.

Handcuffs optional.

Own teeth a must.
Just to translate the above into common English.

So you are:

Old
Short
Fat
Fcuking ugly
and smellier than a room full of frenchmen

and you are after an ugly windbag who is desperate as well.
 
#4
Have you got a pulse?

Have you got a shadow?

Are you female?

You'll do!!!
 
#5
LMAO ... I can just see your email box being flooded with that one Flasheart! I'd give it a 5/10 just because it's honest and you're easy.
 
#7
Valks said:
LMAO ... I can just see your email box being flooded with that one Flasheart! I'd give it a 5/10 just because it's honest and you're easy.

It is. Mainly from old saggy tarts from Worthing.
 
#8
Optimistic soldier, 40 something, seeks a blonde 20 year old
double-jointed supermodel, who owns her own brewery and kebab shop and has an open-minded twin sister. :D
 
#9
Well Valks this would be mine :lol:

Well as Santa is on his way i thought i would see if my stockings (and suspenders) could be filled this Christmas!!

I am a 5ft 3(dont worry i love wearing heels), 31 year old with a womanly figure and am looking for a man to kiss under my mistletoe.

The man of my dreams(!!!!!) must be tall and have a good sense of humour and be willing to be laughed at as well as with. He must not be married(or at least dont tell me) or a tramp looking for shelter over the festive season!

I would like to meet an adventurous man who is willing to try anything and everything even if your mates will laugh!

I come with a full warrenty and am available for a full refund before 28 days, after that you are commited.

Please reply in writing via the North Pole x
 
#12
Oh cheers ... looks like I'm celibate forever now then.

~crosses minnie of crimbo card list~
 
#13
You had your offer to make a film with me and i was rejected, now the thought of a life of celibacy, rug munching dont sound too bad!!!!!


See what replies come on here and it may mean that we both just decide to bail out together!!
 
#14
Valks said:
******************************************

I'm 38, 5'1", curvy, happily single and more fun than a box of frogs. .
Translates to : I'm old fat and stumpy..... I think I'm funny but in reality I am an irritable cnut


Valks said:
I'm NOT looking for that special someone who is going to steal my breath away and make my knees give.
I'll take owt, beggars can't be choosers and my rickety swollen knees are giving me jip... My breath mings


Valks said:
although if that happens I shall give fair warning so you can join the witness protection scheme. What I AM looking for is something very, very vaguely approximating a relationship but without all the boring bits like laundry, shopping and commitment. I think the term is 'F. Buddy' A nice bit of regular NSA fun. I'm not up for a half hour romp on the back seat, nor a quick fumble between appointments.

So if you are an articulate guy with a sense of humour who is ready to pick up the baton, email me a little about yourself and we'll see how it goes. You can even include a pic if you're feeling confident ... just nothing smutty because it will only make me giggle.

Married guys need not reply.

Handcuffs optional.

Own teeth a must.
More dribble which noone reads but confirms that its a gopping munter with a cake and spunk addiction and has polluted any forum where there may be a sniff of blokes that would poke anything.

My responce to this would be quite simple:

'You my sweet are a tubby block of lard resembling the EEC butter mountain...... please fall neck first onto a garden raike....you whore'
 
#15
The Lord Flasheart said:
Valks said:
LMAO ... I can just see your email box being flooded with that one Flasheart! I'd give it a 5/10 just because it's honest and you're easy.

It is. Mainly from old saggy tarts from Worthing.
Called Blondebint or Pentwyn/Yannie/Lawstudent.....

Here's mine;

Short balding Danny Devito look-a-like bastard seeks slut with low standards,Must be rich,busty & with all her own teeth.(may accept dentured on approval)Must have own sex toys.
Applicantions on a pair of worn panties please to;
My little sex shop,
Gresham Street,
Helfast,
Nord Iron.
*PS,if you're from Kilcooly,you can f*ck off!!*
 
#17
Mine...

I dipped out in the looks department Iam a munter, dont go out during the day for fear of scaring small child, therefore I have no morals to make up for it.I go like a belt fed wombat and can suck start a chally!

I'm fat with festering crevices, ugly, more wrinkles than a pound puppy, smell like fish, feel clammy to the touch, self centered, paranoid, jealous, suffer with low self esteem, have a split personality, stingy and I look stunning in Ron Hills (dirty and two sizes too small of course), white stilettoes and a Bn/Sqn sweatshirt, stained with sick.

Im bald, terrible tragic accident with a bic lighter and an oxygen tank.

My hobbies are running with scissors, playing with matches and lighter fluid, eating broken glass, playing with sharp objects BUT only on the days I've been released from my cuddle me jacket!If I take a long time to reply its a cuddle me jacket day and its takes a while typing using the mouth wand.


First Date
I have had a discusson and me and my mates might do you as a pity shag, as long as you dont try and kiss us and do one pretty sharpish afterwards.

Bring talc, you will need to roll me in it to establish where the wet spot is!!

I need loving to - paper bag (doubles as sick bag) airfresher and a towel will be provided for our date!
 
#18
Valks said:
call_me_jack said:
the_matelot said:
Have you got a pulse?

Have you got a shadow?

Are you female?

You'll do!!!
Fussy cnut, you really do want it all dont you!
Well at least he didn't push his luck and stipulate humans only. :)
True but,

-You don't have a shadow in the dark.

-Navy boys don't usually go for females.

-If you drop the pulse requirement you should be to find something lying around in Ipswitch.
 
#19
Minxy said:
Mine...

I dipped out in the looks department Iam a munter, dont go out during the day for fear of scaring small child, therefore I have no morals to make up for it.I go like a belt fed wombat and can suck start a chally!

I'm fat with festering crevices, ugly, more wrinkles than a pound puppy, smell like fish, feel clammy to the touch, self centered, paranoid, jealous, suffer with low self esteem, have a split personality, stingy and I look stunning in Ron Hills (dirty and two sizes too small of course), white stilettoes and a Bn/Sqn sweatshirt, stained with sick.

Im bald, terrible tragic accident with a bic lighter and an oxygen tank.

My hobbies are running with scissors, playing with matches and lighter fluid, eating broken glass, playing with sharp objects BUT only on the days I've been released from my cuddle me jacket!If I take a long time to reply its a cuddle me jacket day and its takes a while typing using the mouth wand.


First Date
I have had a discusson and me and my mates might do you as a pity shag, as long as you dont try and kiss us and do one pretty sharpish afterwards.

Bring talc, you will need to roll me in it to establish where the wet spot is!!

I need loving to - paper bag (doubles as sick bag) airfresher and a towel will be provided for our date!

I'm sure I've seen yours in the back of 'What Boggy' magazine?!?
 

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