Your own farts

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Bandalong, Jun 1, 2008.

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  1. I was just sipping my morning brew and browsing the news websites whilst looking forward to an easy Sunday with maybe a mild afternoon sesh later on when I suddenly stepped on a frog in the most spectacular manner.

    Now normally I enjoy the perfume but this was the first time I have gagged and had to leave the vicinity sharpish.

    On return I find my brew has heated up and now has a strange oily film on it and the aircon unit is gasping.

    I think this must be the first time I have not actually enjoyed my own aroma.

    You llive and learn eh?
  2. possibly mild food poisoning. They never smell too good. Try lighting it see if you get a bright blue flame.

    Doesn't prove anything but it is entertaining.
  3. I dropped a very speshul one, a few weeks back on my way out of the office for a fag, on returning I found not only my office but the main reception area had to be emptied due to gagging visitors. Even my eyes were stinging and the look of utter disgust on my face that someone had the audacity to empty their bowls in my office dirty b@stard.

    I owned up a few hours later when it was funny and no longer a sackable offence.
  4. Before you start. This RTFQ is funny.

    You are not.

    Feel free to PM to keep the vitriol away from the grown ups.
  5. I apologise self appointed moderator and veteran of the forums. I will use search next time as long as you promise not to call me bad names anymore. It made me cry a little and I feel all sad now.
  6. I was in the local Library today reading my Saturday newspaper as usual.... and being a few years the wrong side of 60.... I had to let rip a very loud botty-burp. Not sure if the young foreign student at the table behind me heard it. I got up quietly like it didn't belong to me and crept round to another part of the library...

    I still find blowing off incredibly funny.... maybe I am in my second childhood now.... My greatest ambition is to crack a real eye-watering, stench making one on a crowded Tube Train carriage next time I travel though Lodonstan.....

    But at the age I am.... One could also follow through.... not a pleasant thought... 8) :? :?
  7. My greatest ambition is to crack a real eye-watering, stench making one on a crowded Tube Train carriage next time I travel though Lodonstan.....

    You might as well, it wont make fcuk all difference, as everyone else does it as the norm :cry:

    And that's if the fcuking things are running. :x


  8. Evidence of humorous thread starters

    The joys of sitting in ones own trump vapour is to he beholden. I often give myself a good 'Dutch ovenning' and 'cup cake' myself without warning.

    I never cease to be amazed at the mings that my own body can generate. Only yesterday morning after a swift jaunt round a golf course I noted my pods were a bit on the warm side and had started cooking off in my undies. I whipped off my tartan elderly gentlemans golfing fatigues and adopted the 'harness your nads - stage 1' position. They were beyond a bit musky and beads of plum sweat were evident. After a could rummage, Stage two is a discreet but for some reason necassary sniff of my hand.

    Being bollocky by this stage, penis cradled in the left hand, bag scented hand en route up to the nostril I dropped into a slight squat in an effort to splay my anus slightly for a symphony of trumpeters to flee from my turd cutter...... like a flock of sparrows taking off. The noise was joyous and as the final pocket of butt gas departed audibly the stench filled the air quicker than arrse hound through a pie ship door.

    The smell of my arrse actually got to my nostril quicker than the hand transiting from sack to nose (clearly the opposite order of the salute, in that its the shortest way up) Now I understand some of Oppenheimer's work and how Hiroshima and Nagasaki vapourised so quickly

    Without knowing my body had manufactured a smell I have never sampled before, and if I'm honest I'm not in a hurry to again. The combination of sack musk and fart clouds isn't as nice as you'd expect, whether they are your own or not...... like a fishy cheesy sh1t?

    As a seperate score the trump would have been a good eight out of ten, as when the doris walked in the door two minutes later here head flew back like a recoiling cobra, her face screwed up like someone had C/S'd her and I got a look like she'd caught me fcuking her mums face. Feeling proud and amused by this I followed her into the bedroom....... She said something like 'I wish you'd do that in the bathroom you dirty pr1ck' then I offered my hand for her to sniff. (she's been with me over ten years, was she expecting a sample aftershave or perfume from Boots, I'm also bollocky cupping my own pods???)) she had a sniff, bolted back like an electrocuted cat and shrieked 'what the fcukin ell was that'

    My Balls I proudly announced.

    We slept in seperate beds and I had to square my own tea.
  9. some women have no sense of humour,if she was any kind of wife she would have given you a bed bath followed by an hour of mutual chugging and wild fcuking.then she would have gone down stairs to cook you a banquet suitable for a male sex god!fcuking some women still don,t know their lowly status. :twisted: