Your Missus ....

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Hector_Chavez_V, Nov 29, 2011.

?

Whats your missu slike?

Poll closed Dec 29, 2011.
  1. A regular **** machine with the morals of an alleycat?

    30.9%
  2. A difficult ride until well oiled but otherwise ok?

    50.0%
  3. An infected boil, hanging off your arse for eternity?

    5.9%
  4. IFUCKINGHATETHEBASTARD!!!!!!!

    23.5%
Multiple votes are allowed.

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  1. Had the strangest of phone calls off her this morning, went a bit like this;

    Her - hi, hows everything going?
    Me - yeah, ok, all's quiet oh and we are out of bread, oh and do babies like Tug of War?
    Her - ill get some on the way home, no, babies do not like tug of war, erm Hector, I've been thinking ... (dramatic pause)
    Me - yes?
    Her - well, you seem a bit run down and tired.
    Me - I'm fine babe, honest, been worse. (a valiant response :) )
    Her - why dont you book yourself a holiday? Maybe take your brother or Pete and Lee?

    **at this point I slid off the settee in amazement whilst gasping for oxygen**

    To give a brief rundown we have just had our first baby, a girl. Up until a few months ago I was running the family firm but we always knew I was calling it a day as soon as my Uncles could afford to buy the rest of us out which they duly did.

    The plot thickens though, on a night out last year with her Mum and Sister I was 'asked' if I'd consider being a stay at home Dad, in essence I was being asked to not work for the next 5 years to enable her to pop a couple of kids out and return to work quick sharp each time and I agreed in a fug of vodka and cokes. Now, my missus is a solicitor, she has a degree in economics but veered off and trained as a solicitor after graduating, first working in criminal law as a trainee and now working in conveyancing, as you can imagine she is a straight talking ballsy cunt who accepts no shit.

    But, the phonecall continued;

    Me - really?
    Her - well, yes, you deserve it.
    Me - ummm, ok, thanks for that.
    Her - its ok I just really appreciate what your doing and what you've given up.
    Me - erm, ta, is Amsterdam ok?

    **at this point I heard her on the edge of what may have been tears, which I havent seen or heard since I gave her a beautifully delivered dead arm once when I was mullered**

    Now this is where the confusion really sets in. I am a seasoned adulterer, but not a very good one and have been caught red handed twice, this has left her somewhat frosty and I am eyed with suspicion every time I leave the house. Most of the time she is 'nice', usually mores so when she wants fucking or when I'm forking out for a white Audi A5, but she is being abnormally nice lately. I've even shelved the plans to put her remains in bin bags all over the Pennines.

    In fact, I like her again, a lot, she works her cock off and is a force to be reckoned, and is bang tidy but is devoid of a sense of humour (she has yet to laugh when I hilariously press my morning erection against the frosted glass of the shower door whilst singing 'The Thong Song' by Sisco whilst she is having a piss).

    A salute to the birds, whats your missus really like????
     
  2. So, who's she having an affair with then? Another solicitor?
     
    • Like Like x 8
  3. That would make life significantly easier!
     
  4. To put her mind at ease I think the only solution is that I be a chaperone for you on this holiday. Don't worry, you can still do the chasing (as the fun is all about the chase isn't it), but I'll do the shagging. A stunt-cock if you will.

    No need to thank me. My passport's in order, when/where are we going?
     
  5. The Gambia, the lads are primed and ready, all are welcome :) apparently the whores are superb !
     
    • Like Like x 1
  6. Have you considered that she want you to go on holiday so your daughters "uncle" Winston, Denzel and Kilroy can visit in your absence?
     
  7. I am a strange guy, prior to carving all 4 of them up i'd happily rip the head off it watching them service whitey..
     
  8. Naked pics of said wife and I'll let you know.
     
    • Like Like x 2
  9. Are you sure? I've been to the Gambia......it's a fucking hole, but cheap enough. I stayed at the Kombo Beach Hotel.

    The hotel was decent enough and the people that worked there were spot on. As soon as you went out of the hotel you were fair game to be harrassed for cash at every opportunity.
     
  10. So, which colleague is your wife playing humpity-bumpity with? Carol? Rebecca?
     
  11. Went 3 years ago, it was mega, however I am easily pleased and went native for most of the trip drinking lukewarm spirits in shithole bars in Banjul.
     
  12. That sounds more appealing than the gash "day trips" I went on.
     
    • Like Like x 1
  13. I'll answer the question asked.

    Mine's generally OK.

    She's not bad looking, she's slowly getting her figure back to what it was when we met (pre-kids). She's reasonably intelligent, a bit of liberal lefty although she's slowly coming around to my way of thinking.

    Does my head in most days with her complete lack of patience, her inability to close a fucking door behind her/turn a light off. The house is like Blackpool illuminations when I come home at night. And then she moans about the 'lekky bill. Little things really.

    However, she did buy me MW3 the other week and she hates me playing the PS3 (I do get her point, a fully grown man playing video games. But it's better than playing away, I tell her). And she does cook me meat (she's a veggie herself), and cooks it rather well too I must say.

    She is a tad on the boring side in bed, but I can live with that. There's always internet porn to satisfy my depravity. And she puts up with my farting on her in bed, my general lack of interest/conversational skills with her friends, and my complete lack of parenting skills with our kids. Apparently watching The Walking Dead when they are in the living room is frowned upon.

    Overall I'd give her a 7 out of 10.

    I've shagged/gone out with better lookers, but I've also done worse.
    And I've definately gone out with bigger mental cases.

    P.S. My wife offered to let me go to Vegas for my mates wedding without her. Things were a bit tight money wise as we'd just had the sprogs. But I declined as I knew she'd throw it in my face at every opportunity. Plus I'd have no spare cash for gash when I got there.
     
    • Like Like x 2
  14. I agree, sentiment isnt one of her more obvious qualities, funnily enough I met her when she was at uni, I overlooked the fact that she enjoyed the odd bit of cheeky powder, mainly because she fucked me like a jet powered steam roller before waving me back off to camp with a discernable limp ..
     
  15. Trust me, always go native, just dont play card games with knife toting Loatians, you invariably always lose.