Your jammiest posting/duty ever

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by PartTimePongo, Oct 4, 2006.

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  1. I know there is something on Arrse about this somewhere, but I can't be arrsed to look , so mods please move as appropriate.

    Just been fastballed for the Horse of the Year show , and the amount of proper posh fit totty in Jodphurs is outrageous< it's like PTP Nirvana.

    Thank you Jesus, and the British Army, I'd have done this one as a freebie :D
  2. A civvy hospital (I'll not say where for OpSec, just in case it's still used) complete with student nurses & an extra £350 per month in my wages to pay for beer & food. :D

    Did I mention the extra beer tokens? :?
  3. Mil Liason for the police during fresco. Sit in a police station soaking up the wage and big timing for the lady police types

    "and i got this scar punching a T80"
  4. BC you fcuker, just spat cider over my keyboard :D
  5. Summer of '98.I'm standing in formation with the rest of the boys when my staff sergeant walks in.He looks around and proclaims solemnly that he's been arrsed by the CO to come up with two names to pull duty the next weekend.Doing what,nobody knows although the Ssgt suspects it probably has something to do with tearing down tents previously erected for a unit ceremony.He asks for volunteers.Immediately all eyes become inexplicably drawn to the ground as we try desparately to look as small and as unthreatening as possible.After all,we all live for weekends and losing one to something as unrewarding as disassembling tents when someone else can do it is totally not anybody's idea of paradise.Especially when the alternative is 48 hours of carousing around town,stumbling from one bar to another knowing that you could very possibly get laid before the next hour is over.

    After ten seconds of awkward silence- a silence which seems to stretch along for eternity and a day- the ssgt issues an ultimatum.If hands don't go up,he says, somebody is going to be "voluntold",a term generally used to mean you've been persuaded to volunteer failure to which the possibilities of certain charges-chief among them insurbordination- will promptly be leveled against you.

    Nobody budges.

    "If thats how you maggots want it," the ssgt bellows," that's how you are gonna get it."Without missing a breath his eyes zero in on me and my buddy Slim who happens to be standing beside me."LCpl Devil Dog and LCpl Slim.You two have been voluntold." Those words are said with the authority and finality of a prison door slamming shut. "Report immediately to the adjutant.''

    Cursing furiously under our collective breaths,me and Slim break formation and trudge upstairs where the said adjutant is waiting patiently.He explains that we had been chosen to attend a two week comprehensive seminar on sexual harassment in of all places Miami Florida!! Holy feck.I felt the contents of my bowels liquefy into a muddy mush.

    Because it was on such short notice, he had not been able to secure plane tickets so were to leave immediately to go to the local car rental place to secure ourselves some transportation."All your instructions are here" he says as he hands me and Slim some papers."Charge all your expenses to the goverment Visa Card that I put in that blue envelope.I'll need all your receipts when you get back.Any questions?"We kept our mouths shut.

    Ladies and gentlemen.Let me say that Florida was everything I've ever dreamed about and then some.The seminar turned out to be a complete joke.We were in class at ten in the morning and out by eleven.The rest of the day was designated as "home study." Attendance ceased after three days.We had other things to do.We got drunk,we got laid,we got crazy.We were kicked out of more bars than most people are in a lifetime.Life was perfect especially when we ran into Halle Berry at a birthday party we crashed.Slim's attempt to get his chest autographed by her ended when her bodyguard threw him unceremoniously out of the house. I suppose his request that she hold the pen with her teeth didn't go down well.

    We did manage to get back safely to our unit.The little incident when we spent the morning sleeping off our drunken stupor in a police cell was never mentioned.We conveniently managed to lose all our receipts.Nobody seemd to mind or care that between the two of us we had spent close to eight thousand dollars.I later learnt that ten people were slated to go to the seminar but due to incompetence on the adjutants part only two did.He never mentioned it and neither did we. :D
  6. You mean you didn't have to walk because you weren't FMT'd for that particular vehicle???

    Now do tell. What is "Home study" on a Sexual harrassment course???

  7. Home study?Will leave that to your imagination.BTW the chief instructor for the seminar was some civilian feck who smelled like old cheese.Me and Slim ran into him at a bar "manned" exclusively by an all female topless staff.His face was so deeply buried into a waitress's bosom he did'nt see us even after I tapped him on the shoulder to try and get his attention. In total disregard to the single sign posted above the drink menu,he was topless too.

    Later that night I saw him being led out of the joint by two lovely girls while he screamed at the top of his voice "my wallet!!my wallet!!." :lol:
  8. Brilliant!!!! :D :D
  9. Ration storeman on rear party when our cookhouse wasnt even being used!! No-one ever asked any questions!!
  10. In the late 80s I got a very (2 days) short notice posting to BATUS to replace someone who was getting a compassionate move, having been before I really didn't fancy the idea of 6 months ish on the prairie and the fat slappers of the sin bin so I fought tooth and nail to get out of it.

    On arrival I was expecting to get on a bus and head off to crowfoot for the standard admin stuff. I was met at the steps of the VC10 by an old mate who said, here are the keys to your apartment, and your car. You'll have to nip down to BATUS once a month to pick up your claims (C$ 86 per day), your address is xx flat xx avenue, it's 28 floors up in the centre of Calgary, you will have to work two days a week and be on standby every other weekend - any questions?

    Ended up staying a year and it was really really horrible. :)
  11. Mt sect Millhill, Civies every day aprt from guard duty which was almost a sleepng duty aprt from 2 hrs per night on the desk followed by a long W/E. Started at 06.30 most days and finished around 14.00hrs time was then yours.DRSA claims galore added around £150 per month into my wages and trips away from camp for upto 4 nights a week with the cash up front :D
  12. I was asked to attend a contractors brief at Benbecula in January. I whinged and moaned as much as I dared, in case they called my bluff and sent someone else. Finally I agreed to go providing I got some extra time off to recover from this arduous activity.

    Touched down to a beautiful crisp blue Hebridean sky, a friendly welcome from the home team and four days of quite interesting technical stuff, guided tours, lush hotel and awesome entertainment including drinking the mess dry of whisky! I needed that extra leave.

    A week later someone (ex-REME) stops my boss in the corridor and says "Did anyone go on that target conference?" "Yes, we sent Cuddles" "Poor sod, I spent three years there and hated it..." Tee-hee...Rod wouldn't even believe me when I claimed it as the best business trip I'd ever been on. I love the He-brides me!

    Horses for courses...
  13. Does a 4 year 10 month posting to Cyprus count?
  14. Just been speaking to a civvy mate about this. He works for some textiles firm and was recently paid to "Get this".....

    Test Sleeping Bags!!!!

  15. gettin paid for sleeping haha, quality