You shouldnt of, but did...

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Is_the_link_in?, Mar 24, 2007.

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  1. Something a mate of mine did but shouldnt of...

    Go for a night out to local 80's bar. Walked in, ordered drinks. Now the layout of this particular 80's bar is as follows... bar to front, dance floor to right, stairs to left. Behind stairs is toilets. We about go upstairs because its where all the filly is.
    Now, during the time were sat up top, place fills up. Toilets downstairs...huge queue to get back upstairs.
    'I need a lag' says soldier 1
    'Me to but i aint queueing to get back up' says soldier 2
    'fcuk it' says soldier 1, before whipping his purple headed warrior out and proccedes to lag into empty pint pot. Job finished, zips up and has a look about. Mean looking bouncer is staring at soldier 1. S1 picks up pint pot, takes a massive gulp of steaming pish, put glass down, and with a 'Right lads, were going' walk out.

    What i shouldnt of, but did
    Put your tounge down your missus's throat after shes just swallowed your, ahem, 'Locally produced vitamins'?

    Something the ambi driver and me discussed one day while out driving while on Op Tour...
    Aim for dogs on busy roads, and swear at drivers for not crashing into each other, even though their all cack drivers and shouldnt be driving in the first place, but still avoid accidents by mere centimeters?

    And i shouldnt of, it was my best mates missus...but i did...
    Force her to drink till she cant walk, then leave her propped at the bar while you go to the next pub?

    Anybody got anything they shouldnt of done but have?

    Edited once for my mong typing
     
  2. Best mate's 17 year old daughter who you used to babysit for......

    I'm not saying if I was the father or the sitter
     
  3. Some best mate you are. :roll:
     
  4. Ditto - I confess, it was I! :headbang:
     
  5. Just dug up this old gem from my Arrse archives. Gave me a chuckle inspite of myself. The things we do for pleasure!!

    http://www.arrse.co.uk/cpgn2/Forums/viewtopic/t=38446/postdays=0/postorder=asc/start=15.html



    I dont know if this counts but one of my neighbours requsted me to " babysit" his 16 year old niece while he and his wife went on a weeks vacation. You know, check on her once in a while, make sure she was doing fine. Drive her to the store if she needed to shop, the usual. I was the designated emergency contact.

    Didn't think much of it at the time as I promised I would.

    Two hours after I'd safely seen them off at the airport, I'm sitting at home watching the US open in the dim hope that Anastasia Myskina would tip over and I would catch a glimpse of her undies or that in a moment of unspeakable madness she would expose her breasts to the crowd, the phone jarrs me out of my reverie.

    It was my friends niece - who for convenience sake shall inherit the name of Violet, for she was quite the flower.

    She was in in a bit of a quandry. Apparently the jar of pickles she had bought that morning did not come with an instruction manual on how to pop off the lid. She sounded quite distressed.

    Well, seeking to cement my well earned reputation as the perfect gentleman, I immediately dropped everything and armed myself with that well known tool of all trades- a swiss army knife. With one wistful look at Myskina -who was returning a serve with a very manly grunt, I headed for the door. A few minutes later I found myself being let into the house by the previously named soon to be heroine of this narrative.

    "Hi Violet", I said to her as I tried very hard to look anywhere but down her blouse which seemed to be missing the top button.

    She explained the situation and showed me the jar of pickles.Seconds later I had the lid off. (She was turning it in the wrong direction.)

    This simple act of chivalry instantly transformed me into a knight in shining armour. Before I could say part time pongo, she started pouring her heart out. She told me she had recently broken up with her boyfriend of two weeks, why she hated her cheerleading captain, her opinions on some movie, the new Aveeno commercial blah blah blah....

    I shut her up by cupping her chin under my hand and planting a kiss on her lips. She tensed for a moment then melted like chocolate into my arms.

    Oh how we fecked that day. She was insatiable. She taught me enough tricks to write KarmaSutra Vol II. And so the rest of the week went.

    Everyday after school she would call me over and we would do it again. Once I called in sick from work and she had me call her teacher to confirm that she wasn't feeling too good that morning.

    Her uncle never caught on. I still see her once in a while. She is now dating some long haired punk.

    In case you are reading this Violet, I never changed my number. Call me.
     
  6. No i didnt mean benched her....read the line underneath!
    Have just edited it though...